Look At Me, I'm Sandra D.

So I haven't had much of a desire to write lately because I literally am so exhausted from all the emotions running inside of me that I haven't had the will or energy to blog. But I have had a few experiences/feelings I would like to talk about. I'm going to be quite blunt in some of this, so hopefully I don't hurt anyone or make anyone uncomfortable. If you wish to keep reading, by all means, please do so. If not, I will not respect you less.

First:

I have always had a desire to have girlfriends. But now I realize that some pain can occasionally come from girls. They can be catty, deceiving, two faced, and just plain mean. I always think that I screw everything up with my girlfriends. They always get mad at me. They always leave. Then they gossip and tell everyone the "negative impact" I've had on their life. 

But lets face it. No matter how old or who you are, if you are a woman, you naturally feel the need to be good enough and feel like you have to compete whether you want to or not. Whether its to be as in shape and as gorgeous as the touched up pictures of the girls in the front of the magazine. To be the overachieving super mom. To be the loving wife or girlfriend. My institute teacher told me that woman always feel like there is competition, even if there is no intentions of competition. And I agree, society has made us feel like we need to be better than we are.

Now, this being said, I believe that many girls, or boys for that matter, don't see me for who I really am. I am a very affectionate person. I enjoy spending time with people. I love physical contact. And I've always gotten that "I'm the biggest flirt." At times this hurts my feelings. Yes, there are sometimes I purposely flirt with a boy. But I never PURPOSELY flirt with my girlfriend's crushes, boyfriends, or anyone of importance to them. I hate hurting people and I never mean to and even when I wish I could hurt them, I still don't. Usually when I hear about current feelings a friend may have I PURPOSELY try to stay away with a 10 foot pole because I know how things love to go wrong with me. I have lost many friends because they think that I am too outgoing, too flirtatious, too loving, whatever. And for a long time its been bothering me. Because its like, do I change who I am? Without these things I think I would lose a lot of my sociable personality traits. And I would feel awkward all the time.

Lets face it, when you're in a group and you don't know the people, start off with a handshake, good eye contact, and a smile. Thats how I do it, whether it be girl or guy. Now whats more awkward then just sitting there while everyone is quiet. Why not start a conversation? Everyone loves a compliment, for someone to show interest in what they are talking about, to make eye contact to show you're focused and really listening to what they say and if you keep your body language open it can really help the conversation not get stale or awkward. I use these rules generally wherever I go, whomever I am talking with. Now, this changes when I am with someone I don't like or have a bad history with, but for the most part I try to keep myself open. I think a lot of people misread this in my case. Girls, in the sense that they think I'm always betraying them or looking for attention, and guys in the sense that they get jealous or think I am a "floosy".

My friend and I were talking about it and we came to the conclusion that people may also think this because I tend to give individual attention to every person, which may come off as confusing, fickle, and too flirtatious. And I couldn't understand why until we talked about why it might be. Now I see some of the reason why people may think those things about me. But I love the way I communicate with people and I generally just love being around people. I think all of these qualities that I listed before are important in getting to know people both friendship wise and relationship wise. 

This is a common problem when I first start dating someone. They will hear rumors about me or they will get jealous. And I ALWAYS have to have "the talk" with them, telling them I will always be honest with them and will always put them first. After this talk my relationships become much more trusting and much stronger. I also usually see a difference in affection and caring. The significant other notices the differences I have between socializing and the special care that I have for them.

Now, ultimately I cannot change anyone else or their opinions but I can control myself. I think my communication approach is a strong one and one that fits my personality well. I respect my friends and will always listen to any problems and reflect on advice they may have. I may have a hard time finding girl friends that understand this, but when I do find them I find that they are the best ones to have.

This is the time where I give some shout-outs to some friends:

First, to Erica. She has been such a great friend to me and I love how she understands me. We mesh really well together and I never fail to have a good time with her. She is everything I could ask for in a friend. She keeps my mind open with possibilities and really helps me understand things that I may have been reluctant to bring to my attention. She has so many great traits I wish to learn and am SO grateful for her friendship. Plus, its awesome when you have someone you can sign with.

Next is Kim, who has been my friend for a few years now. We have had our rocky moments (okay, well just one) but we talked it through and have always been super open with each other. We don't see each other much besides on Sundays but I feel like I have someone to confide in in her. We always can pick up where we left off and I can tell we have a friendship that will last a while. I love her and am very blessed to have her in my life, as one of my first understanding girlfriends to ever had.

Of course there is Tay, who has never failed to stand by me and help me in times of need. Although I have made some really dumb decisions he's always there to pick me up, dust me off, and talk to me. He never seems to stop believing in me... He also has great taste in tv series.

Andrew Thatcher and I have been friends since high school and he always knows what I need to hear. I usually go to him for spiritual advice or just knowledge that I want to learn. He is so good at knowing the things I need and being there for me. He's another one who doesn't give up on me. 

Finally, there are my ward boys. Who are, obviously, not girls. But none-the-less they are always so willing to put forth a hand of friendship without judgement. They watch out for me and always manage to cheer me up, even if its just watching a movie. I don't ever feel pressure from them and they have really helped me grow as a person.

And lastly:

I apologize for this being so fricken long. If you actually did read it all, I will make you some cookies.... probably won't taste very good. But I will make them. =)

Love you all!