Oooweeee

My heart hurts.

Please make this go away.

Please go away.

Please stop.

Please...

But on the other hand,

Please come back.

Please see...
Please.

Can't You Hear Me...

I love it when a dance can show everything that you are feeling and speak for you when you cannot find the words to say

Please Go Away

So today was a downer. Hardcore. I turned down going to Lagoon because I wanted to spend some time at home and hopefully spend some time at Taylorsville Days with my friends. (I love Taylorsville Days!) It was nice to sleep some because last night was horrible. I didn't fall asleep until about 6 am. I couldn't stop thinking about things and was getting more and more depressed. Sometimes I wish I could just... not exist.Things would be so much better if I didn't. My family wouldn't have to struggle so much. The people I love wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't be around to hurt anyone or make things worse. And I wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't feel anything. I wouldn't be around to feel anything. I mean, I know I could say "I wish I were dead." But because of my beliefs and knowledge I know that wouldn't solve anything because I would still bring this guilt and sadness into the next life. The experiences would have already happened. The best way I can describe it is simply that I wish I didn't exist. 

Anyway, so I thought I would have people to spend time with. But the only thing that came around was my dog. She stayed with me. Which was nice. But it still would've been nice to have felt like someone wanted me. (<-- This is me having distorted thinking. I know its not true but my brain and heart are convinced otherwise) 

The thought of James was haunting me today. I still have this idea in my head that he's coming back. And he's not. He won't. He never will. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but today it just killed me inside. I think its because I've been spending time with other guys and realizing that it might actually be fun to be single again. And then I remember how amazing it felt to have James in my life.  I don't want James to find anyone else. I wish he could feel for me again. And I wish he wouldn't allow his brain to convince him otherwise. I still can't believe that he "is confident in his decision." I can't believe he doesn't care. Its like I'm going through the shock all over again. I know things like this take time, but I don't want them to. The timing is never right for me. It never has been. Why can't it be right for me?! Don't I deserve it to be right for me? I'm doing everything I can to lead a righteous life and I feel like all I get is hurt and disappointment.

Theres this quote that I read about the song "Send in the Clowns." And it says:

"Theres that edge of bitterness and disappointment,
 how it HURTS to hope, but she can't stop herself 
from still hoping anyway."

Story of my life. It never goes away. Why can't I learn and just stop...

Anyway, I missed Taylorsville Days for the first time in my life. Afraid to go alone. To appear alone. To see people from my past and see them happy and not alone. And I know I couldn't handle watching the fireworks show without breaking down. So I left. It killed me. I spent some time at my friends Zac's house. Watched some ultimate fighting stuff and then left to spend some time at the institute playing ping pong and pool with Jay and his friends. Jay and I had a nice talk afterwards, but I still can't help but feel down, hopeless, worthless and alone. Heavenly Father, please hear my prayers......

Are You Sisters?

Today was a good day as well! Thank goodness for these days of happiness. They help me move along A LOT. My friend Marci and I hung out for a bit before going to the Arts Festival (which was totally cool!) I met her mom. And it was funny because the first thing she says to me is "WOW! You guys look like sisters!" Pretty soon every one and their dog starts saying that. Marci and I don't even say anything to them and they tell us that. I recently cut  my hair so its a similar length as hers now, but its been really funny. I am so grateful for Marci. She's really been there for me recently and I hope she knows how great she is. She's become a good friend and I'm excited to see what adventures we have in the future! She's gorgeous and really outgoing so we get along really well! (Especially because of the gorgeous thing, I don't believe in having ugly friends. Ha ha! =P) At the Festival we met up with my new friend Jay, some of his friends, and Kyle, who also has been really great to me. Both of these boys have really impressed me. They are both gentlemen with goals and know who they are, which is rare to find nowadays. 

We ended up going to Dennys with our friends and had a fun time chatting. Tay met up with us too. He is ALWAYS there for me and I can't believe how lucky I am to have a friend like him. And it really helps that we laugh so much when we're together. He really understands me and its nice to know that someone accepts you for who you are.

Overall, another successful night! 3rd great night in a row! Woo! On a roll!

Kyle and me. He pretty much licked my eyeball.

Marci and me

Jay and me

Batman!

Time for a happy blog! YAY! 

So last night I had a little hang out night with a few friends from SLCC and can I say I had an AMAZING time? It was so much fun! I was so excited to see everyone and we had a really great time laughing together. I was planning on taking my camera but I ended up not being able to find it. (pretty sure Isha took it) So, sorry, no pictures this time around. My friends Marci, Marie, Kade, Kyle and I went to The Pie downtown followed by Capo Gellato for some Italian ice cream. There were some other people there but I didn't know them as well so I spent most of my time with the people I knew. I don't know how to describe it but there is something just absolutely captivating about down town. Its like I forget everything and live in the moment. Its so beautiful and absolutely refreshing, especially during the summer time when you don't have to worry about lugging around a coat or anything. I really had so much fun talking and spending time with people. I think for the first time in the last few weeks I was truly just... happy. As much as I love James and our relationship, and I really was happy with him, but so much of it was not knowing, questioning, and struggle. It was SO nice to just... be. No worries. No thoughts racing. No obsessions. I'm really grateful to have the opportunity to surround myself with uplifting people who give me support, help me find happiness and give me warm fuzzies inside. =) I hope that my life can continue to look upwards and I can continue to grow and progress through this tough time.

Let Me Sleep Already!

So, its 4 30 in the morning aaaaand I can't sleep. The past week or so has been like this. No sleep, or at least up really late. My brain doesn't want to shut off and its really hard to fall asleep and super irritating, especially since I know my mom will yell at me in the morning for sleeping in. =P Its really difficult because all I do is relive memories and my brain sits there and things of every possible option of things I could've done differently to have some sort of other outcome. I obsess over it. And its no fun. I just end up hating myself and crying usually. I hate the way my brain thinks sometimes. I need a way of "reprogramming" it... if only I could find the way to do that.
I've been really sick this past week. My depression has really taken a toll on my body.
A) Not sleeping
B) Not having the want or will to eat... at all (this one is slowly getting better)
C) A constant want to sit and do absolutely nothing.
I haven't been this way in a long time, but I feel like I've made some improvements within the last few days.
On Sunday I had a complete melt down. I didn't want to do anything. My spirit felt like it was dead. I just sat there and bawled for hours and was so exhausted from not only the emotional stress that has been happening but also the physical stress due to the RID Conference and a bachlorette sleep over from the night before. I was running myself thin. Really stretching myself.
I did make myself go to church though. I remembered a story that my parents had told me about Bishop Arnold and when his son committed suicide. They told me that he was crying uncontrollably and had to have people practically carry him into sacrament meeting, but he came because he knew that he needed to be there and it was the place where he could be closest to the Lord for strength and comfort at that time.
I thought about this and although my struggle is nothing compared to his at that time, I knew I had to go to church. I could only make it through sacrament meeting before feeling like I was going to throw up or pass out but I went. And I hope the Lord sees my effort to really reach out for him.
After coming home from church completely in ruins and so exhausted my mom really stepped up to the plate. She had a good talk with me helping me contemplate on things and sharing with me the things that she has been praying for as well. She really took advantage of this opportunity to take care of me. Checking in on me. Discussing her thoughts and her support with me. Helping me carry on. She even took work off on Monday to make sure to stay with me and do all of the things that I wasn't capable of doing that day. I don't believe I would be doing as well as I am if it hadn't been for her being here at home. Its been a huge blessing to have her here with me at this time, especially when I feel so helpless.
Ultimately I'm making baby steps to getting back on my feet. School helps a lot as well, signing is such a great release for me, especially since in the fast track program there is no homework! =D. I can only hope that I can continue on in this process. I have my set back days, but I also have my improvement days. We'll be seeing how it turns out I guess.

I promised a photo of us at the workshop, so here it is!

Erica's the one in the middle, and Whitney (another ASL friend) is in front.

I learned a ton today, it was really nice to be able to apply some of the things we learned in workshop to my signing. I'm confident this will help me a lot. Its been a fun experience.

My friend Grant and I had a nice little "get together" today. It was nice talking to him. He's always been really supportive of me and quite understanding.

I also hung out with my friends Peter and Marci today. We had a lot of fun and it was nice to spend a night out. We had a lot of laughs and went to an open mic night which was really cool! I made some new friends there and also saw some of my old high school friends which was SUPER weird. I can't believe I've been out of high school for almost 5 years now. It was honestly a breath of fresh air. They complimented me on my new haircut (which I've been really self-conscious about) and told me I looked pretty and looked like I've grown up a lot. Yay, I'm now looking like an 19 year old instead being told I looked like a 16 year old! (when I was a senior) Hahaha.

Ultimately, its been a good day. With its ups and downs, but most definitely a step in the right direction. =)

ASL is for LOVERS

So today was my first day at the RID Region V Western Conference (an ASL conference) And it was a pretty fun experience! I didn't get to stay as long as I would have liked because my ride needed to leave but the 5 hours I spent there were great. There's nothing better than signing again. I miss it so much and its really nice to use it again. I can't wait to be using it more on a daily basis again. We ended up getting cool name badges, a back pack that has a ASL symbol on it, tons of free merch and a lot of other cool stuff! I still have two more days so I should be able to get lots of signing time in. I'll put up pictures soon. Promise!

My best friend Erica was able to go with me and she is absolutely amazing. She has helped me a lot the past few days, really just being there when I need her and listening to me. She is such a great example and an amazing friend. Plus its awesome that we are able to sign to each other whenever we want!

I did break the rules today though. I promised myself I wasn't going to call James for at least a few weeks, but I was talking with a friend and he brought up the point that if we were both too afraid to talk to each other again it wouldn't be able to move forward. I really thought about it because for the last day or so I've really felt like I needed to call him. So I did. And it was a horrible idea. Of course. He was just at a steak dinner with a bunch of his friends and needed to go because "his food was getting cold." My heart sank. His voice didn't seem to have the same care that I had hoped it would or sounded surprised to hear that I called or anything. But what hit me even more was the thought that he's out there living his life like nothing has happened and he has friends to take his mind off of things and people to hang out with and see while I'm sitting here at home. If I had anyone to go out with, I would. But I don't really have anyone besides Erica and I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to see the wreck that I am every day when she's not working or helping her dad. I felt even more alone than I was before. And disappointed. I should have listened to what everyone was saying when they said "don't call." But of course, dumb ol' me decides to take the initiative and get hurt. Again.

But then I came across this little number. It instantly gave me a happy strong feeling and its also in ASL! So it totally has a place in my heart now! Hopefully you'll love it too!

"So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye!? So you think you can love me and leave me to die!? OH BABY! Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here!"

And so it is...

I've been sitting here for an hour or so staring at this page contemplating what to write. I don't know why but the thought of blogging terrifies me. I'm a pretty good journal writer, but blogging... it scares me for some silly reason! I guess it has a little bit to do with the timing of when I have decided to actually start writing one. Its been a rough past few months and I don't want to write simply to sit and complain about everything that is going on. So please don't take it that way... and please don't think of me any less for the things I am writing because I want to stay true to what I feel and not have to write something just because I feel like its what people will want to hear.

And this post is going to be pretty long because I have a lot on my mind and a lot to express. So if you don't want to read it all I understand because I know it can be tedious... but I hope you can bare with me.

So the most recent thing on my mind lately has been, of course, my recent break up. Its only day two since it happened so its still fresh on my mind and seems to consume me for a good majority of my day. I wish I could be strong enough to not have it be that way but James was really important to me. There are a lot of unanswered questions and confusion in the break up. And its not just on my end, its on his as well.

When I first met James I was fresh out of another relationship. I thought he was cute but I still had really strong feelings for my ex. I could've just done the whole "rebound" thing but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to not have him around. He was quite determined and wanted a relationship pretty quick. This upset me because I had told him from the beginning that I wasn't ready. But slowly, I did want a relationship more and more.

It all began simply because he was there. Whenever I needed him, he was there. He sat next to me everyday when I would cry about Nick. He listened to my sorrows. He comforted me. He stayed with me during a serious cold and the stomach flu. He stayed with me when I found out that I couldn't continue on in the program in school that I loved. He sat through my panic attacks. And he stayed confident and extremely supportive when I would doubt our relationship.

I had experiences with James that I have never had with anyone else before. We began to read scriptures together. We prayed together. We would have FHE together. Our relationship was very spiritual and honestly, I had more fun with him than I've ever had with any other relationship. We had amazing compatibility communication wise. He would always say that he could never imagine getting in a fight with me. I know that every couple will have their disagreements but we did so well just talking it out. He helped me become such a better person and strive to be better everyday, which is also something I had never experienced before.

I remember the day when I had that first kiss that was just pure love without lust. I also remember for the first time looking at him and thinking to myself 'I can't believe I have finally found him.'It was an incredible feeling, unlike anything I have ever felt in my life.

One day he told me he had been looking at rings. He proceeded to tell me that he had been fasting and praying a lot on the thought about marriage. When he was in the temple, he said he got the most enlightening, happy, excited, righteous, almost rejoicing feeling when he pondered and asked our Heavenly Father. He continued to say he had never had an answer like that in any inquiry that he had gone to the Lord for. We made each other so happy, and it was amazing to know that this was right.

He proceeded to tell his parents who weren't necessarily as supportive as we would have hoped. They had dated for 2 years before they got married and James and I hadn't been dating for more than 3 months. They told him all of their fears and how they believed we weren't ready. It was a really tough situation for James, but once they found out all of the steps we were doing to prepare they became a little more supportive of the idea.

The next week he inquired again and he suddenly had the thought of "she's not for you." And thats where things changed. He told me that he didn't think it was Heavenly Father and more the adversary trying to take advantage of the vulnerable state that he was in. And after a few discussions he said things felt better. It was hard for me to understand how everything could have changed within 24 hours. But every other day he would start doubting again. One day he would tell me he loved me, the next he wasn't sure anymore. It killed me thinking that this young man, who I loved dearly, and who at one point had a true love for me too was suddenly doubting everything that we had. He had said that he had been reading many Ensign articles about marriage and finding an eternal spouse and how it was really helping him think about things. He asked me to read them as well. There was quite a list he read! As I stared at the list my heart sunk. I love the church and I believe every prophet has inspiration from our Heavenly Father. But I didn't want to pick those articles up for some reason. I know they are not there to scare one away from making the decision of marriage but instead to strengthen the love and bond between a couple, and I felt as if the articles were almost making his mind even more unstable. I felt like he was researching SO much and inquiring SO much that he lost his natural ability to feel for me. It turned into logic instead of emotion.

We continued to date for a few weeks, my heart growing weary and his heart growing heavy of the decision he had to make.

It finally came to the day where he told me he just wasn't attracted to me like that anymore. The romance was gone and I was just a friend that he cared deeply about but he felt comforted in the decision that he made. He couldn't imagine being with anyone else right now and he doesn't have the desire to date but he just didn't feel it anymore. It killed me. It still is killing me. But I have no option but to respect what he feels is right. I can't help but wonder if this is some sort of payback of what I did to Steve. I know the things I made Steve and my family go through were incredibly hard and hurtful, and I regret it with all of my heart. I know I can never go back and fix or mend the heart and souls I hurt. I can't help but think if its the universe telling me that I was incredibly stupid and that I deserve to be hurt and alone. So who am I to not respect the way James feels?

And that leads me to where I am today. Alone and incredibly sad at the amazing thing that I lost. I am terrified to start dating again. I don't ever want to get close to anyone ever again. I never want to feel the pain I have felt through all of my break ups, especially the last two, EVER again. I never want to believe that it is going to happen and then be disappointed. James is the most thoughtful and caring person I have ever met. He made me feel important and stood by me through my roughest moments. Now, if James can't even continue that feeling of love for me then who will? I know that my options are automatically lessened because of the fact of my emotional and mention instability and problems. People can try to tell me different but it is honestly just how it is. So many boys are afraid of those types of things, they don't understand depression or OCD or anxiety and they don't know how to handle it, which is perfectly understandable. It is a hard concept and hard to deal with. Its difficult because every time I meet someone I hope that they will stay. Male or Female. And they always leave. I don't have one good friend who has stayed by me for more than a few grades or semesters. I can only imagine the pain I put my loved ones, my family, through because of the racing negative thoughts that run through my mind and my distorted thinking. They are always the ones who have to deal with me and I know they get tired of it. Again, if even JAMES, who cared so much and saw, witnessed but never ran away, he even saw me have my first relapse in cutting for the last 3 years and yet he cared for me more than any friend or boyfriend. If someone who cared for me THAT much can fall out of love with me how can I possibly believe that anyone would stay?

I don't understand how the Lord has always promised us that our righteous wants and desires will be fulfilled if we stay faithful, righteous, and have a constant desire to be more like Christ. I don't understand how many prophets have said if both people in a relationship have Christ at the center of it then they will be successful with their love and relationship. I don't understand how things could fall apart so quickly. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I don't understand so many things and my heart is lost and my brain confused.

When I pray about this and ask for guidance, help, and comfort I can't help but wonder if Heavenly Father hears me. There have been 4 distinct times that I have gotten a very calming feeling along with a message of "Don't worry, he just needs time. He'll come back." But I can't help but really wonder if thats just my mind hoping and tricking myself or if it really is the Lord. I don't want to give myself hope only to get hurt worse when it never happens. I know he is hurting too and that he misses me. (don't judge that I checked his facebook)But I don't think he will allow himself to come back unless he's sure that he cares for me.....

So I guess the point of this novel is to state that I am extremely confused and honestly, quite hurt. I want help, answers, advice. If you feel like you wish to contribute or give some words of wisdom please feel free to do so.

I love you all.

I'll keep you updated.

And lastly, I ask if you could, please, pray for us.