And so it is...

I've been sitting here for an hour or so staring at this page contemplating what to write. I don't know why but the thought of blogging terrifies me. I'm a pretty good journal writer, but blogging... it scares me for some silly reason! I guess it has a little bit to do with the timing of when I have decided to actually start writing one. Its been a rough past few months and I don't want to write simply to sit and complain about everything that is going on. So please don't take it that way... and please don't think of me any less for the things I am writing because I want to stay true to what I feel and not have to write something just because I feel like its what people will want to hear.

And this post is going to be pretty long because I have a lot on my mind and a lot to express. So if you don't want to read it all I understand because I know it can be tedious... but I hope you can bare with me.

So the most recent thing on my mind lately has been, of course, my recent break up. Its only day two since it happened so its still fresh on my mind and seems to consume me for a good majority of my day. I wish I could be strong enough to not have it be that way but James was really important to me. There are a lot of unanswered questions and confusion in the break up. And its not just on my end, its on his as well.

When I first met James I was fresh out of another relationship. I thought he was cute but I still had really strong feelings for my ex. I could've just done the whole "rebound" thing but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to not have him around. He was quite determined and wanted a relationship pretty quick. This upset me because I had told him from the beginning that I wasn't ready. But slowly, I did want a relationship more and more.

It all began simply because he was there. Whenever I needed him, he was there. He sat next to me everyday when I would cry about Nick. He listened to my sorrows. He comforted me. He stayed with me during a serious cold and the stomach flu. He stayed with me when I found out that I couldn't continue on in the program in school that I loved. He sat through my panic attacks. And he stayed confident and extremely supportive when I would doubt our relationship.

I had experiences with James that I have never had with anyone else before. We began to read scriptures together. We prayed together. We would have FHE together. Our relationship was very spiritual and honestly, I had more fun with him than I've ever had with any other relationship. We had amazing compatibility communication wise. He would always say that he could never imagine getting in a fight with me. I know that every couple will have their disagreements but we did so well just talking it out. He helped me become such a better person and strive to be better everyday, which is also something I had never experienced before.

I remember the day when I had that first kiss that was just pure love without lust. I also remember for the first time looking at him and thinking to myself 'I can't believe I have finally found him.'It was an incredible feeling, unlike anything I have ever felt in my life.

One day he told me he had been looking at rings. He proceeded to tell me that he had been fasting and praying a lot on the thought about marriage. When he was in the temple, he said he got the most enlightening, happy, excited, righteous, almost rejoicing feeling when he pondered and asked our Heavenly Father. He continued to say he had never had an answer like that in any inquiry that he had gone to the Lord for. We made each other so happy, and it was amazing to know that this was right.

He proceeded to tell his parents who weren't necessarily as supportive as we would have hoped. They had dated for 2 years before they got married and James and I hadn't been dating for more than 3 months. They told him all of their fears and how they believed we weren't ready. It was a really tough situation for James, but once they found out all of the steps we were doing to prepare they became a little more supportive of the idea.

The next week he inquired again and he suddenly had the thought of "she's not for you." And thats where things changed. He told me that he didn't think it was Heavenly Father and more the adversary trying to take advantage of the vulnerable state that he was in. And after a few discussions he said things felt better. It was hard for me to understand how everything could have changed within 24 hours. But every other day he would start doubting again. One day he would tell me he loved me, the next he wasn't sure anymore. It killed me thinking that this young man, who I loved dearly, and who at one point had a true love for me too was suddenly doubting everything that we had. He had said that he had been reading many Ensign articles about marriage and finding an eternal spouse and how it was really helping him think about things. He asked me to read them as well. There was quite a list he read! As I stared at the list my heart sunk. I love the church and I believe every prophet has inspiration from our Heavenly Father. But I didn't want to pick those articles up for some reason. I know they are not there to scare one away from making the decision of marriage but instead to strengthen the love and bond between a couple, and I felt as if the articles were almost making his mind even more unstable. I felt like he was researching SO much and inquiring SO much that he lost his natural ability to feel for me. It turned into logic instead of emotion.

We continued to date for a few weeks, my heart growing weary and his heart growing heavy of the decision he had to make.

It finally came to the day where he told me he just wasn't attracted to me like that anymore. The romance was gone and I was just a friend that he cared deeply about but he felt comforted in the decision that he made. He couldn't imagine being with anyone else right now and he doesn't have the desire to date but he just didn't feel it anymore. It killed me. It still is killing me. But I have no option but to respect what he feels is right. I can't help but wonder if this is some sort of payback of what I did to Steve. I know the things I made Steve and my family go through were incredibly hard and hurtful, and I regret it with all of my heart. I know I can never go back and fix or mend the heart and souls I hurt. I can't help but think if its the universe telling me that I was incredibly stupid and that I deserve to be hurt and alone. So who am I to not respect the way James feels?

And that leads me to where I am today. Alone and incredibly sad at the amazing thing that I lost. I am terrified to start dating again. I don't ever want to get close to anyone ever again. I never want to feel the pain I have felt through all of my break ups, especially the last two, EVER again. I never want to believe that it is going to happen and then be disappointed. James is the most thoughtful and caring person I have ever met. He made me feel important and stood by me through my roughest moments. Now, if James can't even continue that feeling of love for me then who will? I know that my options are automatically lessened because of the fact of my emotional and mention instability and problems. People can try to tell me different but it is honestly just how it is. So many boys are afraid of those types of things, they don't understand depression or OCD or anxiety and they don't know how to handle it, which is perfectly understandable. It is a hard concept and hard to deal with. Its difficult because every time I meet someone I hope that they will stay. Male or Female. And they always leave. I don't have one good friend who has stayed by me for more than a few grades or semesters. I can only imagine the pain I put my loved ones, my family, through because of the racing negative thoughts that run through my mind and my distorted thinking. They are always the ones who have to deal with me and I know they get tired of it. Again, if even JAMES, who cared so much and saw, witnessed but never ran away, he even saw me have my first relapse in cutting for the last 3 years and yet he cared for me more than any friend or boyfriend. If someone who cared for me THAT much can fall out of love with me how can I possibly believe that anyone would stay?

I don't understand how the Lord has always promised us that our righteous wants and desires will be fulfilled if we stay faithful, righteous, and have a constant desire to be more like Christ. I don't understand how many prophets have said if both people in a relationship have Christ at the center of it then they will be successful with their love and relationship. I don't understand how things could fall apart so quickly. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I don't understand so many things and my heart is lost and my brain confused.

When I pray about this and ask for guidance, help, and comfort I can't help but wonder if Heavenly Father hears me. There have been 4 distinct times that I have gotten a very calming feeling along with a message of "Don't worry, he just needs time. He'll come back." But I can't help but really wonder if thats just my mind hoping and tricking myself or if it really is the Lord. I don't want to give myself hope only to get hurt worse when it never happens. I know he is hurting too and that he misses me. (don't judge that I checked his facebook)But I don't think he will allow himself to come back unless he's sure that he cares for me.....

So I guess the point of this novel is to state that I am extremely confused and honestly, quite hurt. I want help, answers, advice. If you feel like you wish to contribute or give some words of wisdom please feel free to do so.

I love you all.

I'll keep you updated.

And lastly, I ask if you could, please, pray for us.