Texas Roadhouse Fail. A1 Sauce Win.

So I had two hours between work and school today... well, first let me paint the picture for you. On Thursdays my schedule is as such:

Class 10 - 11:30

Work 12- 3:30

Class 5:30 - 9

Death, right? 

Anyway, so I had a while between work and class, I purposefully did that so I could have extra time to work on any homework that may be needed for my long Thursday class or my Friday quizzes. So I was trying to think of where I wanted to go to study. I've come to realize some things about my studying habits. If I go home I'll just sleep or find something else to do, if I stay at school I'll be too tempted to constantly be looking for people I know or, lets face it, cute boys, so that was a no. And I was also hungry and as fun as a community college's food court is, after eating there everyday you get sick of the slim variety of options. So I thought, 'Hey! I'll go to a restaurant... TEXAS ROADHOUSE.' I don't know why but recently I've really been craving their rolls, steaks, and A1 sauce. Plus, its a cool environment, close to school, there is a super cute waiter there and since I just got paid I could get their lunch special and it would be cheaper! Check, check, and check! I was totally stoked. Their hours are always weird but I've gone there at 2 30 before and it was open even though the door said they opened at 4, so I thought it would be open. Yeah. It wasn't. And I was mad. I still am mad. I wanted my darn rolls, steak, and A1 sauce at a special $7.99 lunch time price! 

Anyway, so I had to reconsider my plan. I decided to go to Applebee's because I was pretty sure I could at least find A1 sauce there, while having some space to study. So I go in and ask if it would be okay if I stayed there for an hour or two to eat and do my homework. The little high school hostess looked at me like I was crazy, gave me the stank eye, and then was like "Like let me ask my manager, I dunno know if we can let'em...well, let people stay that long time period." (No joke, she actually said that) So the manager was like "Sure! We'll just get you a table off to the side." I ate my steak and A1 sauce, with veggies, and then braced myself for the studying. 

I've realized that when I'm away from home but not in a super quiet place but a place that has life and a social "vibe" to it, its easier for me to focus. I know it kind of seems like a contradiction, but it helps me a lot. Maybe because it makes me feel good about myself because I think other people see me and think "Oh, what a good student." Or "Wow, she's driven. She's what college is all about." Ha ha, I don't know, but it works. =P So I ended up reading and hand writing FIVE PAGES worth of notes about ONE CHAPTER for TWO HOURS, all for a freaking TEN POINT QUIZ tomorrow. I got 7 out of 10 last time because I didn't write down exactly what the book said, I put it into my own words. SO this time I was determined to take all the notes and if I don't get those 10 lousy points I'm going to shoot myself in the foot while screaming fluffy puppies and squirting papaya juice all over my professors new white shirt. I'll keep you updated on that. But as for my 3 hour class tonight, I got a 100 % on my quiz and got full participation points. ^_^ I'm determined to make this semester my first ever successful college semester. You watch me, just watch me.

TAKE THAT CONNIE! 

The end.

Finally.

Lets start this off with a common subject of mine: Young men. I've met a bunch of great guys lately. Like genuinely good guys. I am so grateful for them, they have helped me realize so much about myself and my desires and steps towards relationships. I'm not going to lie, there were a few weeks where I really had completely given up on relationships, a feeling I had never felt before in my entire life. No interest in dating, no interest in getting to know people, no interest to be even remotely close to the opposite sex. But the Lord has blessed me with men who are amazing and have shown me that not all boys are douche bags that are going to leave. I've realized how there are decent guys out there that will care of me whether its in a romantic way or friendship way and that have showed me that I do matter, something that I had forgotten. 

Many days the thoughts of insignificance haunted my mind. Thoughts consisting of thats like if I were better James would've stayed. If I hadn't had said this, if I hadn't have done that, James deserved someone better than some low life trash that I am. Although James made me feel great and loved when we were together, he completely betrayed me and my trust. Everything he had ever said went out the window.
I think the moment that changed everything was one day when we were at his cousins house just sitting outside doing homework and he asked me if I was having fun and I was honest and said "no." Its not because of him, it was because I wasn't used to being in a situation where everyone wasn't together talking during a family get together. For those of you who know my family, dinner is extremely important and so is socializing, enjoying our time of being together. It was weird to me that he was secluded and even when he was finished with his homework he didn't enjoy the group setting. He also didn't spend much time with the kids which also surprised me. As fun as it was being around people I don't know, pretty much ignoring them and watching James trying to figure out homework that didn't make any sense to me, I just was ignorant and replied "no." Some days I wish I would've lied. I think to myself that I would do anything to take that back because EVERYTHING changed at that point. And honestly, most of the time if I could have the opportunity to take it back, it might have changed everything. 

But now, I don't even know who he is anymore, but I'm happy where I am.  I don't need a man like that in my life. Maybe this will sound wrong but I really hope one day he can realize how much he hurt me and can taste the bitter excruciating pain that I have had to deal with for the past 7 months. I hope he realizes the great thing he gave up. He lost not only me, but a great relationship in general. He allowed his brain and logic to take over his heart and spirit. Although I lost the love of my life, the man I was willing and ready to spend time and all eternity with, who left me, I'm finally healing. Oh happy day.

Es-Sea-Aych-Oh-Oh-El.

This first week or so of school has been interesting. Its been a good, fun experience so far because I'm meeting new people. As much as I love ASL the Interpreting Program is very limited in the sense that you have the same people for the entire two years. (Or in my case 3 bajillion years, is this program never going to end!?) So its refreshing to have classes that are new and exciting. I've met some new people who I can tell we'll be school friends. You know, there are those different kinds of friends like your fun friends, you friends you need to go to when you need to talk, your church friends, your school friends, your all of the above friends. I think I've found some good school friends and maybe even a few hang out friends! I'm really proud of myself for the progression I've had recently. I'm become a lot more stable in who I am and what I want in life. Granted, I still have my moments, but for the most part I am doing so much better.
I think a big confidence booster for me is that I've gotten the opportunity to interpret a lot recently, outside of the program, just for fun with my Deaf friends. They are so accepting and helpful to me. They really make me feel good about myself. I think they see the desire and work ethic I have, which is ignored by people in the program. Like the Head of the Interpreting Program actually had the audacity to tell me "You know Jen, its okay to drop out." or "Are you sure you want to be an interpreter?"If they knew anything about me they would see differently. It can be so frustrating sometimes but I will get through it and I will do it! Speaking of ASL, I'm the Public Relations for the ASL club, so I made a poster and flyers for club rush week. Everyone loved them. Here's a picture of my poster:

Thank goodness for Cricut, right!?!

Regrets...

If there are any moments I regret in life and would change it if I had any power to do so, they would be moments with my brother.

There are a few instances that I would do anything to take back. 

I wish I was a better person and example to him. I can't help but think how much better his life would be had I not had done the things I have. How better off he would be or how happier he would be. And although he says he forgives me many a times for a few of them I still can't help but think those things. I wish... Oh, how I wish I was better.

I am such an awful person.

I really hate myself sometimes.

.Grateful.

I have gotten out of the habit of writing...

Although at times writing seems to be a good outlet, at other moments it just makes me more upset. I don't know why... maybe its because I sit there and dwell on what I write, or I get so sick of explaining myself time and time again. So I apologize for not writing, but I'm back.

For the past few months I've been so upset and confused about recent happenings in my life that I failed to see the ways I have grown. Although life has been hard lately, I've also had a lot of good things.

1) ASL - I have really gained love for my 2nd language of ASL, and have immersed myself in the culture and community. I have grown to love everything about ASL and notice myself communicating and embracing many of the traits of the Deaf world. Because I've gained so many friends I want to spend so much more time with them, I want to sign outside of school and I feel like my skills have sky rocketed. I have had many opportunities to interpret and it has gotten a little bit easier for me and helped me get somewhat comforted. I am so grateful to found an amazing passion and I WILL be an interpreter, no matter how long it takes me or what anyone says.

2) Spencer Blake - My sociology professor. I've found another love! Sociology... and my professor! Ha ha ha! Spencer has done so many things in his life and has affected people from all over the country. That class has honestly changed my life. I got to learn about society and what makes it and effects the people within the society, which is something I love, especially because of all my therapy that I've gone through. Its nice to know why people do the things they do. It made me realize my desire that I have of learning. Spencer told me that I am a great student and I don't give myself enough credit, I have just developed bad school habits. I never realized that its my habits that have made school difficult for me, I always just thought that something was wrong with me. I also never had the desire to go to college, maybe its because I thought I wasn't good enough, but now I really want to complete my education. I was about to give up on my interpreting because I was feeling so discouraged and like a complete failure. But he knocked some sense into me. I love ASL, so a few classes should never stop me from my dream. Its been so nice to have a professor who really believes in me. I'm doing a form of mentorship with him this semester and can't wait to learn more from him. I feel like him and I are a lot alike, I look up to him so much. He is what every professor should be. 

3) My student ward - I have met so many great people who are positive and supportive, who are always there for me. They never make me feel bad for my past, present, or future. They make me laugh, they listen, and they honestly watch out for me. I never feel alone when I'm with them. I always feel loved and accepted. Plus they like board games and always pick out awesome movies!

4) New friends - I have met some new people near and far who have helped me through my struggles and have made me rekindle the love of life, whether the person is from work, school, or the "game of life." I have not felt the way I do right now in a long time. There are days where my depression gets the better of me, but ultimately I am so much happier. I have truly witnessed the love of my Savior through putting the right people in my life that I need to help me along my recent difficult times. I honestly believe he has hand picked the people who are coming across my path, both bad to help me see, more importantly, the good. 

And finally...

5) My Savior - I have already mentioned him, but you can never can say enough about Christ. The Savior has really shown me his love through friends and family. I have felt like his hand has guided recent happenings in my life. I was really upset and hurt because I didn't feel like Heavenly Father was looking out for me. I couldn't understand why James had left, my schooling wasn't going well, and why he had forgotten me. Church was hard, all I could think about during sacrament was how I didn't feel like anything that was being said about the love of Christ applied to me, many tears in sacrament. So many tears. But I tried my best to continue to be patient, constantly seeking for an answer and help, I may have failed at times but I still tried. And then I met a few people who have really helped my testimony grow, helped me feel my Saviors love but most importantly helped me see all of the things that are going right in my life and how much I am growing. I am so grateful for my Savior and the knowledge I have of the truth, the living prophet, and his love for all of us.

So grateful.