WOOOOOW

So I apologize for allowing so much time to go past before posting again. I think I needed a break for a while, as cleansing as writing is, I feel like it can also make me contemplate and think about things WAY too much which won't always help me move on in life. But I feel like I'm comin back.

I also think it would be a lot easier to blog if I had a camera again, but my little point and shoot broke and I don't like carrying around my huge camera so I haven't been able to take my usual amount of pictures.

Anyway, school's started. Work is work. And I'm in a new show called "Y Light." (its a spoof of Twilight with a little of the U and the Y thrown into the mix) I have so much to be thankful for. The last few weeks have been quite difficult. When school started I was terrified to walk around campus in fear of bumping in to the "dreaded ex" Bum bum BUM!  And it happened. First day of school. It happened. And then a few things went down here and there with the hurt continuing, it was almost like it wouldn't let me rest. I was also afraid to run into old friends. I realized a lot of it was that I was ashamed of myself if I thought I would see them. Like I am the scum of the earth and don't deserve to look them in the eye or to be in their presence, and that has changed a lot. School has been hard with out my ASL girls.... and Collin. (Ha ha!) It was really heart breaking at first. I was embarrassed and again, ashamed. And although its been hard I'm feeling a lot better about it.

Firstly, I am so grateful to be in Ylight. I have made so many good friends who are supportive and who love me. There is something about theatre that completes me. Although it causes stress because it does take time out of your schedule and what not, I think it helps me more than hinders me. All growing up I was ALWAYS in a show. The only time I wasn't was during the summer. So I have been accustomed to always being in school and in a show. Spring semester I wasn't in a show and it almost killed me. Rehearsals is such a steam releaser for me. Especially at the Off Broadway Theatre. Everyone there is so caring and understanding and the mood is always "have fun" while getting things done. I have met some pretty amazing people there who have taught me a lot.

This cast is all pretty much around my age. It has provided me with peers to relate to and have fun with. We really all get a long SO well, the chemistry is astounding. I have met some life long friends there, I can already tell. They make me feel so important and help me grow as a person. I want to have pictures to show you, so I'll get that ASAP. But I feel so much love for them and I know that Heavenly Father wanted me in this show to have another great, positive experience in my life. It really has been a key element in helping me become strong within myself again and to see that I can trust in people.

Another thing I love is my sociology class. My professor is so intriguing and its awesome to love a class besides ASL. I connect so much with his way of teaching and I wish more people taught like him. He is so passionate and clear but still teaches me new things everyday. But the thing I love the most is he really makes me feel like these are things I'm learning that I can really apply to help pass the class. They are not just "facts" to memorize and if I don't memorize them then I will fail the class. I feel like he really believes in me, even though we don't talk on a one on one basis very often. Ha, I don't know how to describe it. Moving on...

Institute. My teacher Bro. Forsyth is amazing. Hearing the gospel. Awesome. That pretty much sums it up.... Yup.

And finally as much as working sucks, its nice too because I feel like I am working towards something. Like I am finally starting to walk on my own. Its scary as hell. I feel like I'm a toddler again and my parents are starting to let go of my hands... so scary, but everyone has to do it and I'm finally starting...

And finally, I've been contemplating going to Africa. I really feel like I need to go. I'm not sure how this is all going to work out but I really REALLY have a passion and desire to go and help those kids.... I'll keep you updated.

Much love.

Jen

Look At Me, I'm Sandra D.

So I haven't had much of a desire to write lately because I literally am so exhausted from all the emotions running inside of me that I haven't had the will or energy to blog. But I have had a few experiences/feelings I would like to talk about. I'm going to be quite blunt in some of this, so hopefully I don't hurt anyone or make anyone uncomfortable. If you wish to keep reading, by all means, please do so. If not, I will not respect you less.

First:

I have always had a desire to have girlfriends. But now I realize that some pain can occasionally come from girls. They can be catty, deceiving, two faced, and just plain mean. I always think that I screw everything up with my girlfriends. They always get mad at me. They always leave. Then they gossip and tell everyone the "negative impact" I've had on their life. 

But lets face it. No matter how old or who you are, if you are a woman, you naturally feel the need to be good enough and feel like you have to compete whether you want to or not. Whether its to be as in shape and as gorgeous as the touched up pictures of the girls in the front of the magazine. To be the overachieving super mom. To be the loving wife or girlfriend. My institute teacher told me that woman always feel like there is competition, even if there is no intentions of competition. And I agree, society has made us feel like we need to be better than we are.

Now, this being said, I believe that many girls, or boys for that matter, don't see me for who I really am. I am a very affectionate person. I enjoy spending time with people. I love physical contact. And I've always gotten that "I'm the biggest flirt." At times this hurts my feelings. Yes, there are sometimes I purposely flirt with a boy. But I never PURPOSELY flirt with my girlfriend's crushes, boyfriends, or anyone of importance to them. I hate hurting people and I never mean to and even when I wish I could hurt them, I still don't. Usually when I hear about current feelings a friend may have I PURPOSELY try to stay away with a 10 foot pole because I know how things love to go wrong with me. I have lost many friends because they think that I am too outgoing, too flirtatious, too loving, whatever. And for a long time its been bothering me. Because its like, do I change who I am? Without these things I think I would lose a lot of my sociable personality traits. And I would feel awkward all the time.

Lets face it, when you're in a group and you don't know the people, start off with a handshake, good eye contact, and a smile. Thats how I do it, whether it be girl or guy. Now whats more awkward then just sitting there while everyone is quiet. Why not start a conversation? Everyone loves a compliment, for someone to show interest in what they are talking about, to make eye contact to show you're focused and really listening to what they say and if you keep your body language open it can really help the conversation not get stale or awkward. I use these rules generally wherever I go, whomever I am talking with. Now, this changes when I am with someone I don't like or have a bad history with, but for the most part I try to keep myself open. I think a lot of people misread this in my case. Girls, in the sense that they think I'm always betraying them or looking for attention, and guys in the sense that they get jealous or think I am a "floosy".

My friend and I were talking about it and we came to the conclusion that people may also think this because I tend to give individual attention to every person, which may come off as confusing, fickle, and too flirtatious. And I couldn't understand why until we talked about why it might be. Now I see some of the reason why people may think those things about me. But I love the way I communicate with people and I generally just love being around people. I think all of these qualities that I listed before are important in getting to know people both friendship wise and relationship wise. 

This is a common problem when I first start dating someone. They will hear rumors about me or they will get jealous. And I ALWAYS have to have "the talk" with them, telling them I will always be honest with them and will always put them first. After this talk my relationships become much more trusting and much stronger. I also usually see a difference in affection and caring. The significant other notices the differences I have between socializing and the special care that I have for them.

Now, ultimately I cannot change anyone else or their opinions but I can control myself. I think my communication approach is a strong one and one that fits my personality well. I respect my friends and will always listen to any problems and reflect on advice they may have. I may have a hard time finding girl friends that understand this, but when I do find them I find that they are the best ones to have.

This is the time where I give some shout-outs to some friends:

First, to Erica. She has been such a great friend to me and I love how she understands me. We mesh really well together and I never fail to have a good time with her. She is everything I could ask for in a friend. She keeps my mind open with possibilities and really helps me understand things that I may have been reluctant to bring to my attention. She has so many great traits I wish to learn and am SO grateful for her friendship. Plus, its awesome when you have someone you can sign with.

Next is Kim, who has been my friend for a few years now. We have had our rocky moments (okay, well just one) but we talked it through and have always been super open with each other. We don't see each other much besides on Sundays but I feel like I have someone to confide in in her. We always can pick up where we left off and I can tell we have a friendship that will last a while. I love her and am very blessed to have her in my life, as one of my first understanding girlfriends to ever had.

Of course there is Tay, who has never failed to stand by me and help me in times of need. Although I have made some really dumb decisions he's always there to pick me up, dust me off, and talk to me. He never seems to stop believing in me... He also has great taste in tv series.

Andrew Thatcher and I have been friends since high school and he always knows what I need to hear. I usually go to him for spiritual advice or just knowledge that I want to learn. He is so good at knowing the things I need and being there for me. He's another one who doesn't give up on me. 

Finally, there are my ward boys. Who are, obviously, not girls. But none-the-less they are always so willing to put forth a hand of friendship without judgement. They watch out for me and always manage to cheer me up, even if its just watching a movie. I don't ever feel pressure from them and they have really helped me grow as a person.

And lastly:

I apologize for this being so fricken long. If you actually did read it all, I will make you some cookies.... probably won't taste very good. But I will make them. =)

Love you all!

Thinking of You

This song has changed my life in so many ways.

And I have related it to so many different occasions in my life.

I would probably choose it as my theme song if I could have one.

I honestly think this song has saved me many many times...

It must have been written for me.

Epic Fail

So, I apologize that I haven't written in a week. I went to the lake with some friends which was SO much fun and I faced a lot of fears and conquered them! But, I'm not going to focus on that because I don't have much time to write tonight and would rather write about something else, so maybe some day in the near future. (Complete with pictures!)

Anyway, This week has most definitely been a challenge for me. I feel like breaking down and not continuing anymore. Nothing is working out for me. I don't understand what the point is of going on if its just going to continue hurting and causing me pain. I have faithfully kept up my scripture study, prayers, and church attendance. I have put forth effort to make friends. I have found a new job. I'm going to school. I know a person can continue to find things to improve on to hope to make life better, but I'm so exhausted from trying and making no progress. 

I started my job yesterday and at first it was so interesting and fun! But today I started doing somethings with my mentor and I saw how quickly I was ruining everything. Pretty soon I couldn't keep up at all and the clients knew that something was wrong, which is pretty hard to come by since its just on the phone! I would get so lost I wouldn't even know where to start again. I really have a hard time thinking that I will ever get the hang of this, especially since I feel like I still have so much to learn in one day and then take a "possible elimination test" the next day and am out on my own the next. And what makes it worse is that my third day of training is tomorrow (Thurs.) and then I have a 3 day weekend to completely forget everything I learn, finally followed by my test on Monday.  To make things even better everything that I've learned through school is completely setting me at a DISadvantage instead of advantage. Like in interpreting we learn about "lag time" which is how much time you give between when the speaker begins and when you begin. Usually a good lag time is 6-9 seconds, to help you start to get a good idea of the concept and correct ASL grammar. In SIPRelay (where I'm at now) if you give ANY lag time you're screwed and you can't process anything they say. Its throwing me in such a loop.I'm totally dead. Completely dead. I feel so discouraged. I just can't keep up.

I try to continue trying to step forward, away from this rut of a life I have right now, but its like I'm putting forth all of my efforts, stuck in quicksand, just to not go anywhere and be more exhausted than before.

How is it that everything I love falls through my fingers and leaves. For the first time in my life I want to go to school and I want to do something. I love the Deaf, I love the culture, I love American Sign Language. But I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough to stay with my peers in school. I'm not skilled enough to continue. I have to retake classes because I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I want to do well at this job, and if it was based on desire and passion I'd been in the top 10 % I'm sure, but its not. I'm going to be lucky if I can keep it. And of course, the obvious, James left. If I had done something different he might still be here. I might be having the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with someone who I really love and who really loves me. But I wasn't good enough. And what breaks my heart even more is that he still doesn't want me. He's happier with out me.

I don't know what else Heavenly Father wants from me. I really don't know. I've tried getting blessings, I've tried hour long prayers, I've tried taking steps forward with faith and its not getting better. I wish I could run away from here... 

Someone please save me.

"Its So Fluffy I'm Going To Die!"

I've had another few days of just staring at my computer screen trying to put the words together of how I feel. And honestly the one world I can come up with: chaos. Its been a whirl wind of emotions, sad, happy, confused, upset, anger, hopelessness and hopefulness all at one time. Its like a tornado came into Jen-ville and tore the town apart. 

The foremost feeling that I have had has been anger towards myself.

I feel like I am constantly getting myself into these situations that I cannot win. I really try to do my best and I have good intentions but it always blows up in my face. I find myself stuck between a hard rock and a hard place all the time. I never mean to hurt anyone. I never mean for things to go wrong. But they do. I'm afraid of losing people. I get afraid of what may happen and what I could have done differently. I worry about it so much that I really run myself thin. I get exhausted from worrying. Thats where my OCD kicks in. Its like I'm obsessed with thinking about it, reliving it. And I can't figure out how to make it stop. Instead of just dropping it and moving forward in life, I sit there trapped within my own emotions. Why can't I be better? Why can't I make a person want to stay? Friend or lover. Boy or girl. Why do I always screw up?

Something else I've been thinking of a lot is trying to decide when I put my happiness first and when I do not. I think its something I need to learn. I need to learn my own boundaries to help me gain that true happiness. I need to decide how I am going to achieve the things I want and how to better myself. Don't get me wrong, I do love myself. I don't always love the things my brain thinks and I don't like how I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes. I don't like how I've become scared to show my true self and I most definitely don't love the way I look when I wake up in the morning! =P But I think I do have redeeming qualities as well. I love to make people laugh and my sarcasm. I like that I know that I can be honest. My mom always says "I would rather hear it from you than from someone else. So if you do something wrong, you need to tell me that way I can help you." And I think I apply that to my life in general. I never want a friend to hear gossip that I supposedly said. I am not afraid to address someone when I feel like there is a problem and I'm not afraid to say I'm sorry. I like that I have good intentions and never really mean to hurt someone. I may think about it when I'm really upset sometimes but I realize that it is irrational thinking just because I'm upset, so I cool down until I can speak with a clear mind. 

I am still missing James, but I am starting to see that things can be okay with out him. I got together with a friend and realized how I can really have fun and be myself with a boy around. I've been so ridiculously scared of boys recently. I'm afraid to be around them and I'm afraid of getting hurt. I have never felt this way in my life but I really am genuinely scared. And when I was with my friend, he really gave me a ray of hope that things might turn out okay. I think I genuinely smiled with a boy for the first time in a month. 

All in all, I'm still searching for answers. Still searching for ways to continue to better myself. I'm still looking for ways to clear the doubt. I'm still looking for peace....  

A Great Thing

Today I went to Marci's for a shirt decorating party. It was totally fun! We painted our shirts and then played music together and pretty much had a talent night. 

At the beginning I just couldn't decide what I wanted to draw on my shirt. I thought maybe a funny picture of a unicorn or an ostrage or a mermaid or something, but then inspiration came. BAM! (like on those toothpaste commercials) Why not make an Avatar shirt! I was totally stoked and scared at the same time because I didn't want to mess it up. Well, you be the judge. Let me know what you think!

Marci, Myself, Phillip, and Stu right after we jammed for a while.

That One Looked Like A Banana!

This week has been pretty crazy. And instead of doing individual posts I'm just going to combine them into one. 

1) I finally heard from my job. I'll be working at Sorenson Communications (which is a telephone service for the Deaf/Hard of Hearing) I knew I had the job before but I was really confused because they had sent me an email on the June 26th saying I needed to come to orientation and finish paper work on the 21st or 22nd. And then they said I would be starting on July 5th at 5:00, which they knew I couldn't do because of my night classes. I emailed them like 5 times and called them 3 times and never heard back until today. I guess they had some background check mix ups so now I have to wait until the next training period. Hopefully it won't take too long. But at least I know I got the job!

2) I went on my first few actual dates since the break up. I've never been so awkward in my life. (which, for those of you who know me, its REALLY hard for me to feel awkward) I could tell how my uncomfortableness was making my dates uncomfortable too. I realized how much better I was when my girl friends were there to support me. Maybe I'm not ready to get out there alone just quite yet but I'm trying and slowly easing in.

3) I went with Jordan and my friend Taylor to go see the premiere of "The Last Airbender." We're all really big fans of the show so it was nice to go with people who were just as enthused as I was. Ha ha. The movie was... okay. Not incredible, not super horrible either. I ended up writing a review and I'm quite proud of it. I might post it here on a later date. 

Tay, Jordan and myself

Me and Aang

4) I've been hanging out with Marci a lot lately and she has really supported me. Its nice to have a good girlfriend again. We've had some awesome adventures, and she's introduced me to some new fun people like Phillip, Kylee, and Shari. We went to fireworks on Saturday night (I was being a poo head and missing James) so during the fireworks I was really lame but afterwards we played frisbee, took pictures and then went to Dees. Which made for a really fun night! It was so funny, we were sitting next to this family and the kids (probably around 5 and 6) would sit there and yell out the funniest comments like: "WOAH! THAT ONE LOOKED LIKE A BANANA!" or "THAT ONE'S BIGGER THAN MY HEAD!" We were dying of laughter.

Myself, Marci, and Shari

Marci and me

5) Yesterday, Phillip invited to the Bee's game with some friends, which ended with AMAZING fireworks. All of this was 3 dollars mind you! We had so much fun laughing together. I also brought a date (Tyson) who was super fun to tease. It was so funny. The fireworks really were the best fireworks I've ever seen and I felt really accepted and loved with the group of people I was with. It was so nice to feel that again.

Kylee, Marci, and Me

Phil and Me

Shari and Me

Tyson and Me

3) I still miss James like crazy. I continually think to myself what I could've done differently to make him stay. I know he loves me and I can't grasp what would make him want to leave. I feel like he's making a mistake, but I can't make him change. All I can do is hope that he will change his mind. But at the same time, I don't want him anymore. He doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't listen to his heart. He is so logical in his thinking that it clouds his own feelings and desires. He doesn't want me? Well, he's going to regret his decision. I need someone better than James. I sit there and think "oh James was perfect, no one's going to be better than him." But in reality he's already failed in a sense that he suddenly decided to change his mind one day, treat me like crap and run away and disappear. I need someone who actually cares. Who doesn't just change from night to day. He can sit there and pretend everything's okay with him but in reality he's just denying everything he knew to be right. It will come and bite him in the butt one day.... Well, I really hope so that is.

How. Why.

I miss him.

Oooweeee

My heart hurts.

Please make this go away.

Please go away.

Please stop.

Please...

But on the other hand,

Please come back.

Please see...
Please.

Can't You Hear Me...

I love it when a dance can show everything that you are feeling and speak for you when you cannot find the words to say

Please Go Away

So today was a downer. Hardcore. I turned down going to Lagoon because I wanted to spend some time at home and hopefully spend some time at Taylorsville Days with my friends. (I love Taylorsville Days!) It was nice to sleep some because last night was horrible. I didn't fall asleep until about 6 am. I couldn't stop thinking about things and was getting more and more depressed. Sometimes I wish I could just... not exist.Things would be so much better if I didn't. My family wouldn't have to struggle so much. The people I love wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't be around to hurt anyone or make things worse. And I wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't feel anything. I wouldn't be around to feel anything. I mean, I know I could say "I wish I were dead." But because of my beliefs and knowledge I know that wouldn't solve anything because I would still bring this guilt and sadness into the next life. The experiences would have already happened. The best way I can describe it is simply that I wish I didn't exist. 

Anyway, so I thought I would have people to spend time with. But the only thing that came around was my dog. She stayed with me. Which was nice. But it still would've been nice to have felt like someone wanted me. (<-- This is me having distorted thinking. I know its not true but my brain and heart are convinced otherwise) 

The thought of James was haunting me today. I still have this idea in my head that he's coming back. And he's not. He won't. He never will. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but today it just killed me inside. I think its because I've been spending time with other guys and realizing that it might actually be fun to be single again. And then I remember how amazing it felt to have James in my life.  I don't want James to find anyone else. I wish he could feel for me again. And I wish he wouldn't allow his brain to convince him otherwise. I still can't believe that he "is confident in his decision." I can't believe he doesn't care. Its like I'm going through the shock all over again. I know things like this take time, but I don't want them to. The timing is never right for me. It never has been. Why can't it be right for me?! Don't I deserve it to be right for me? I'm doing everything I can to lead a righteous life and I feel like all I get is hurt and disappointment.

Theres this quote that I read about the song "Send in the Clowns." And it says:

"Theres that edge of bitterness and disappointment,
 how it HURTS to hope, but she can't stop herself 
from still hoping anyway."

Story of my life. It never goes away. Why can't I learn and just stop...

Anyway, I missed Taylorsville Days for the first time in my life. Afraid to go alone. To appear alone. To see people from my past and see them happy and not alone. And I know I couldn't handle watching the fireworks show without breaking down. So I left. It killed me. I spent some time at my friends Zac's house. Watched some ultimate fighting stuff and then left to spend some time at the institute playing ping pong and pool with Jay and his friends. Jay and I had a nice talk afterwards, but I still can't help but feel down, hopeless, worthless and alone. Heavenly Father, please hear my prayers......

Are You Sisters?

Today was a good day as well! Thank goodness for these days of happiness. They help me move along A LOT. My friend Marci and I hung out for a bit before going to the Arts Festival (which was totally cool!) I met her mom. And it was funny because the first thing she says to me is "WOW! You guys look like sisters!" Pretty soon every one and their dog starts saying that. Marci and I don't even say anything to them and they tell us that. I recently cut  my hair so its a similar length as hers now, but its been really funny. I am so grateful for Marci. She's really been there for me recently and I hope she knows how great she is. She's become a good friend and I'm excited to see what adventures we have in the future! She's gorgeous and really outgoing so we get along really well! (Especially because of the gorgeous thing, I don't believe in having ugly friends. Ha ha! =P) At the Festival we met up with my new friend Jay, some of his friends, and Kyle, who also has been really great to me. Both of these boys have really impressed me. They are both gentlemen with goals and know who they are, which is rare to find nowadays. 

We ended up going to Dennys with our friends and had a fun time chatting. Tay met up with us too. He is ALWAYS there for me and I can't believe how lucky I am to have a friend like him. And it really helps that we laugh so much when we're together. He really understands me and its nice to know that someone accepts you for who you are.

Overall, another successful night! 3rd great night in a row! Woo! On a roll!

Kyle and me. He pretty much licked my eyeball.

Marci and me

Jay and me

Batman!

Time for a happy blog! YAY! 

So last night I had a little hang out night with a few friends from SLCC and can I say I had an AMAZING time? It was so much fun! I was so excited to see everyone and we had a really great time laughing together. I was planning on taking my camera but I ended up not being able to find it. (pretty sure Isha took it) So, sorry, no pictures this time around. My friends Marci, Marie, Kade, Kyle and I went to The Pie downtown followed by Capo Gellato for some Italian ice cream. There were some other people there but I didn't know them as well so I spent most of my time with the people I knew. I don't know how to describe it but there is something just absolutely captivating about down town. Its like I forget everything and live in the moment. Its so beautiful and absolutely refreshing, especially during the summer time when you don't have to worry about lugging around a coat or anything. I really had so much fun talking and spending time with people. I think for the first time in the last few weeks I was truly just... happy. As much as I love James and our relationship, and I really was happy with him, but so much of it was not knowing, questioning, and struggle. It was SO nice to just... be. No worries. No thoughts racing. No obsessions. I'm really grateful to have the opportunity to surround myself with uplifting people who give me support, help me find happiness and give me warm fuzzies inside. =) I hope that my life can continue to look upwards and I can continue to grow and progress through this tough time.

Let Me Sleep Already!

So, its 4 30 in the morning aaaaand I can't sleep. The past week or so has been like this. No sleep, or at least up really late. My brain doesn't want to shut off and its really hard to fall asleep and super irritating, especially since I know my mom will yell at me in the morning for sleeping in. =P Its really difficult because all I do is relive memories and my brain sits there and things of every possible option of things I could've done differently to have some sort of other outcome. I obsess over it. And its no fun. I just end up hating myself and crying usually. I hate the way my brain thinks sometimes. I need a way of "reprogramming" it... if only I could find the way to do that.
I've been really sick this past week. My depression has really taken a toll on my body.
A) Not sleeping
B) Not having the want or will to eat... at all (this one is slowly getting better)
C) A constant want to sit and do absolutely nothing.
I haven't been this way in a long time, but I feel like I've made some improvements within the last few days.
On Sunday I had a complete melt down. I didn't want to do anything. My spirit felt like it was dead. I just sat there and bawled for hours and was so exhausted from not only the emotional stress that has been happening but also the physical stress due to the RID Conference and a bachlorette sleep over from the night before. I was running myself thin. Really stretching myself.
I did make myself go to church though. I remembered a story that my parents had told me about Bishop Arnold and when his son committed suicide. They told me that he was crying uncontrollably and had to have people practically carry him into sacrament meeting, but he came because he knew that he needed to be there and it was the place where he could be closest to the Lord for strength and comfort at that time.
I thought about this and although my struggle is nothing compared to his at that time, I knew I had to go to church. I could only make it through sacrament meeting before feeling like I was going to throw up or pass out but I went. And I hope the Lord sees my effort to really reach out for him.
After coming home from church completely in ruins and so exhausted my mom really stepped up to the plate. She had a good talk with me helping me contemplate on things and sharing with me the things that she has been praying for as well. She really took advantage of this opportunity to take care of me. Checking in on me. Discussing her thoughts and her support with me. Helping me carry on. She even took work off on Monday to make sure to stay with me and do all of the things that I wasn't capable of doing that day. I don't believe I would be doing as well as I am if it hadn't been for her being here at home. Its been a huge blessing to have her here with me at this time, especially when I feel so helpless.
Ultimately I'm making baby steps to getting back on my feet. School helps a lot as well, signing is such a great release for me, especially since in the fast track program there is no homework! =D. I can only hope that I can continue on in this process. I have my set back days, but I also have my improvement days. We'll be seeing how it turns out I guess.

I promised a photo of us at the workshop, so here it is!

Erica's the one in the middle, and Whitney (another ASL friend) is in front.

I learned a ton today, it was really nice to be able to apply some of the things we learned in workshop to my signing. I'm confident this will help me a lot. Its been a fun experience.

My friend Grant and I had a nice little "get together" today. It was nice talking to him. He's always been really supportive of me and quite understanding.

I also hung out with my friends Peter and Marci today. We had a lot of fun and it was nice to spend a night out. We had a lot of laughs and went to an open mic night which was really cool! I made some new friends there and also saw some of my old high school friends which was SUPER weird. I can't believe I've been out of high school for almost 5 years now. It was honestly a breath of fresh air. They complimented me on my new haircut (which I've been really self-conscious about) and told me I looked pretty and looked like I've grown up a lot. Yay, I'm now looking like an 19 year old instead being told I looked like a 16 year old! (when I was a senior) Hahaha.

Ultimately, its been a good day. With its ups and downs, but most definitely a step in the right direction. =)

ASL is for LOVERS

So today was my first day at the RID Region V Western Conference (an ASL conference) And it was a pretty fun experience! I didn't get to stay as long as I would have liked because my ride needed to leave but the 5 hours I spent there were great. There's nothing better than signing again. I miss it so much and its really nice to use it again. I can't wait to be using it more on a daily basis again. We ended up getting cool name badges, a back pack that has a ASL symbol on it, tons of free merch and a lot of other cool stuff! I still have two more days so I should be able to get lots of signing time in. I'll put up pictures soon. Promise!

My best friend Erica was able to go with me and she is absolutely amazing. She has helped me a lot the past few days, really just being there when I need her and listening to me. She is such a great example and an amazing friend. Plus its awesome that we are able to sign to each other whenever we want!

I did break the rules today though. I promised myself I wasn't going to call James for at least a few weeks, but I was talking with a friend and he brought up the point that if we were both too afraid to talk to each other again it wouldn't be able to move forward. I really thought about it because for the last day or so I've really felt like I needed to call him. So I did. And it was a horrible idea. Of course. He was just at a steak dinner with a bunch of his friends and needed to go because "his food was getting cold." My heart sank. His voice didn't seem to have the same care that I had hoped it would or sounded surprised to hear that I called or anything. But what hit me even more was the thought that he's out there living his life like nothing has happened and he has friends to take his mind off of things and people to hang out with and see while I'm sitting here at home. If I had anyone to go out with, I would. But I don't really have anyone besides Erica and I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to see the wreck that I am every day when she's not working or helping her dad. I felt even more alone than I was before. And disappointed. I should have listened to what everyone was saying when they said "don't call." But of course, dumb ol' me decides to take the initiative and get hurt. Again.

But then I came across this little number. It instantly gave me a happy strong feeling and its also in ASL! So it totally has a place in my heart now! Hopefully you'll love it too!

"So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye!? So you think you can love me and leave me to die!? OH BABY! Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here!"

And so it is...

I've been sitting here for an hour or so staring at this page contemplating what to write. I don't know why but the thought of blogging terrifies me. I'm a pretty good journal writer, but blogging... it scares me for some silly reason! I guess it has a little bit to do with the timing of when I have decided to actually start writing one. Its been a rough past few months and I don't want to write simply to sit and complain about everything that is going on. So please don't take it that way... and please don't think of me any less for the things I am writing because I want to stay true to what I feel and not have to write something just because I feel like its what people will want to hear.

And this post is going to be pretty long because I have a lot on my mind and a lot to express. So if you don't want to read it all I understand because I know it can be tedious... but I hope you can bare with me.

So the most recent thing on my mind lately has been, of course, my recent break up. Its only day two since it happened so its still fresh on my mind and seems to consume me for a good majority of my day. I wish I could be strong enough to not have it be that way but James was really important to me. There are a lot of unanswered questions and confusion in the break up. And its not just on my end, its on his as well.

When I first met James I was fresh out of another relationship. I thought he was cute but I still had really strong feelings for my ex. I could've just done the whole "rebound" thing but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to not have him around. He was quite determined and wanted a relationship pretty quick. This upset me because I had told him from the beginning that I wasn't ready. But slowly, I did want a relationship more and more.

It all began simply because he was there. Whenever I needed him, he was there. He sat next to me everyday when I would cry about Nick. He listened to my sorrows. He comforted me. He stayed with me during a serious cold and the stomach flu. He stayed with me when I found out that I couldn't continue on in the program in school that I loved. He sat through my panic attacks. And he stayed confident and extremely supportive when I would doubt our relationship.

I had experiences with James that I have never had with anyone else before. We began to read scriptures together. We prayed together. We would have FHE together. Our relationship was very spiritual and honestly, I had more fun with him than I've ever had with any other relationship. We had amazing compatibility communication wise. He would always say that he could never imagine getting in a fight with me. I know that every couple will have their disagreements but we did so well just talking it out. He helped me become such a better person and strive to be better everyday, which is also something I had never experienced before.

I remember the day when I had that first kiss that was just pure love without lust. I also remember for the first time looking at him and thinking to myself 'I can't believe I have finally found him.'It was an incredible feeling, unlike anything I have ever felt in my life.

One day he told me he had been looking at rings. He proceeded to tell me that he had been fasting and praying a lot on the thought about marriage. When he was in the temple, he said he got the most enlightening, happy, excited, righteous, almost rejoicing feeling when he pondered and asked our Heavenly Father. He continued to say he had never had an answer like that in any inquiry that he had gone to the Lord for. We made each other so happy, and it was amazing to know that this was right.

He proceeded to tell his parents who weren't necessarily as supportive as we would have hoped. They had dated for 2 years before they got married and James and I hadn't been dating for more than 3 months. They told him all of their fears and how they believed we weren't ready. It was a really tough situation for James, but once they found out all of the steps we were doing to prepare they became a little more supportive of the idea.

The next week he inquired again and he suddenly had the thought of "she's not for you." And thats where things changed. He told me that he didn't think it was Heavenly Father and more the adversary trying to take advantage of the vulnerable state that he was in. And after a few discussions he said things felt better. It was hard for me to understand how everything could have changed within 24 hours. But every other day he would start doubting again. One day he would tell me he loved me, the next he wasn't sure anymore. It killed me thinking that this young man, who I loved dearly, and who at one point had a true love for me too was suddenly doubting everything that we had. He had said that he had been reading many Ensign articles about marriage and finding an eternal spouse and how it was really helping him think about things. He asked me to read them as well. There was quite a list he read! As I stared at the list my heart sunk. I love the church and I believe every prophet has inspiration from our Heavenly Father. But I didn't want to pick those articles up for some reason. I know they are not there to scare one away from making the decision of marriage but instead to strengthen the love and bond between a couple, and I felt as if the articles were almost making his mind even more unstable. I felt like he was researching SO much and inquiring SO much that he lost his natural ability to feel for me. It turned into logic instead of emotion.

We continued to date for a few weeks, my heart growing weary and his heart growing heavy of the decision he had to make.

It finally came to the day where he told me he just wasn't attracted to me like that anymore. The romance was gone and I was just a friend that he cared deeply about but he felt comforted in the decision that he made. He couldn't imagine being with anyone else right now and he doesn't have the desire to date but he just didn't feel it anymore. It killed me. It still is killing me. But I have no option but to respect what he feels is right. I can't help but wonder if this is some sort of payback of what I did to Steve. I know the things I made Steve and my family go through were incredibly hard and hurtful, and I regret it with all of my heart. I know I can never go back and fix or mend the heart and souls I hurt. I can't help but think if its the universe telling me that I was incredibly stupid and that I deserve to be hurt and alone. So who am I to not respect the way James feels?

And that leads me to where I am today. Alone and incredibly sad at the amazing thing that I lost. I am terrified to start dating again. I don't ever want to get close to anyone ever again. I never want to feel the pain I have felt through all of my break ups, especially the last two, EVER again. I never want to believe that it is going to happen and then be disappointed. James is the most thoughtful and caring person I have ever met. He made me feel important and stood by me through my roughest moments. Now, if James can't even continue that feeling of love for me then who will? I know that my options are automatically lessened because of the fact of my emotional and mention instability and problems. People can try to tell me different but it is honestly just how it is. So many boys are afraid of those types of things, they don't understand depression or OCD or anxiety and they don't know how to handle it, which is perfectly understandable. It is a hard concept and hard to deal with. Its difficult because every time I meet someone I hope that they will stay. Male or Female. And they always leave. I don't have one good friend who has stayed by me for more than a few grades or semesters. I can only imagine the pain I put my loved ones, my family, through because of the racing negative thoughts that run through my mind and my distorted thinking. They are always the ones who have to deal with me and I know they get tired of it. Again, if even JAMES, who cared so much and saw, witnessed but never ran away, he even saw me have my first relapse in cutting for the last 3 years and yet he cared for me more than any friend or boyfriend. If someone who cared for me THAT much can fall out of love with me how can I possibly believe that anyone would stay?

I don't understand how the Lord has always promised us that our righteous wants and desires will be fulfilled if we stay faithful, righteous, and have a constant desire to be more like Christ. I don't understand how many prophets have said if both people in a relationship have Christ at the center of it then they will be successful with their love and relationship. I don't understand how things could fall apart so quickly. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I don't understand so many things and my heart is lost and my brain confused.

When I pray about this and ask for guidance, help, and comfort I can't help but wonder if Heavenly Father hears me. There have been 4 distinct times that I have gotten a very calming feeling along with a message of "Don't worry, he just needs time. He'll come back." But I can't help but really wonder if thats just my mind hoping and tricking myself or if it really is the Lord. I don't want to give myself hope only to get hurt worse when it never happens. I know he is hurting too and that he misses me. (don't judge that I checked his facebook)But I don't think he will allow himself to come back unless he's sure that he cares for me.....

So I guess the point of this novel is to state that I am extremely confused and honestly, quite hurt. I want help, answers, advice. If you feel like you wish to contribute or give some words of wisdom please feel free to do so.

I love you all.

I'll keep you updated.

And lastly, I ask if you could, please, pray for us.