So, I apologize that I haven't written in a week. I went to the lake with some friends which was SO much fun and I faced a lot of fears and conquered them! But, I'm not going to focus on that because I don't have much time to write tonight and would rather write about something else, so maybe some day in the near future. (Complete with pictures!)
Anyway, This week has most definitely been a challenge for me. I feel like breaking down and not continuing anymore. Nothing is working out for me. I don't understand what the point is of going on if its just going to continue hurting and causing me pain. I have faithfully kept up my scripture study, prayers, and church attendance. I have put forth effort to make friends. I have found a new job. I'm going to school. I know a person can continue to find things to improve on to hope to make life better, but I'm so exhausted from trying and making no progress.
I started my job yesterday and at first it was so interesting and fun! But today I started doing somethings with my mentor and I saw how quickly I was ruining everything. Pretty soon I couldn't keep up at all and the clients knew that something was wrong, which is pretty hard to come by since its just on the phone! I would get so lost I wouldn't even know where to start again. I really have a hard time thinking that I will ever get the hang of this, especially since I feel like I still have so much to learn in one day and then take a "possible elimination test" the next day and am out on my own the next. And what makes it worse is that my third day of training is tomorrow (Thurs.) and then I have a 3 day weekend to completely forget everything I learn, finally followed by my test on Monday. To make things even better everything that I've learned through school is completely setting me at a DISadvantage instead of advantage. Like in interpreting we learn about "lag time" which is how much time you give between when the speaker begins and when you begin. Usually a good lag time is 6-9 seconds, to help you start to get a good idea of the concept and correct ASL grammar. In SIPRelay (where I'm at now) if you give ANY lag time you're screwed and you can't process anything they say. Its throwing me in such a loop.I'm totally dead. Completely dead. I feel so discouraged. I just can't keep up.
I try to continue trying to step forward, away from this rut of a life I have right now, but its like I'm putting forth all of my efforts, stuck in quicksand, just to not go anywhere and be more exhausted than before.
How is it that everything I love falls through my fingers and leaves. For the first time in my life I want to go to school and I want to do something. I love the Deaf, I love the culture, I love American Sign Language. But I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough to stay with my peers in school. I'm not skilled enough to continue. I have to retake classes because I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I want to do well at this job, and if it was based on desire and passion I'd been in the top 10 % I'm sure, but its not. I'm going to be lucky if I can keep it. And of course, the obvious, James left. If I had done something different he might still be here. I might be having the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with someone who I really love and who really loves me. But I wasn't good enough. And what breaks my heart even more is that he still doesn't want me. He's happier with out me.
I don't know what else Heavenly Father wants from me. I really don't know. I've tried getting blessings, I've tried hour long prayers, I've tried taking steps forward with faith and its not getting better. I wish I could run away from here...
Someone please save me.
Well don't you worry missy! The Bailey gang is headed your way in a few weeks!
ReplyDeleteOkay, first of all stop saying "you're not good enough" because that's a load of crap! You are, but maybe you're just not up to the pace that you want to be. Sometimes we move and learn a little slower, it doesn't make us bad or not good enough but simply that we move in our own time. Don't give up because of that. If you love this program,which I can tell you do, then DO IT!! I had a professor tell me at BYU that my grades weren't good enough and that I would never make it to grad school. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get those high grades like I wanted but you know what, I didn't quit. I worked at it and did the best I could and the Lord knew that. He blessed me with the amazing opportunity to fulfill my dream and guess what-I did make it into grad school and I graduated!! So boo-YA to that teacher. Don't let others make you feel like you can't make it, especially yourself. YOU CAN DO JENNIFER!! I know you can. And if this is where you feel like you need to be, then DO IT! Don't let feelings of doubt and what others might think you're able to do stop you. No one can stop you but yourself-STAY DEDICATED!! I love you and know you're capable of doing it.
ReplyDeleteJust keep working at it.....go to the temple girl!! and read your patriarchal blessing every night.
ReplyDeleteIt'll get better! The first few weeks at a new job are always the hardest. I can't even count how many mistakes I still make at work after a few months! You have to believe in yourself and trust God. All things can and will work out for your good if you just believe.
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