"Its So Fluffy I'm Going To Die!"

I've had another few days of just staring at my computer screen trying to put the words together of how I feel. And honestly the one world I can come up with: chaos. Its been a whirl wind of emotions, sad, happy, confused, upset, anger, hopelessness and hopefulness all at one time. Its like a tornado came into Jen-ville and tore the town apart. 

The foremost feeling that I have had has been anger towards myself.

I feel like I am constantly getting myself into these situations that I cannot win. I really try to do my best and I have good intentions but it always blows up in my face. I find myself stuck between a hard rock and a hard place all the time. I never mean to hurt anyone. I never mean for things to go wrong. But they do. I'm afraid of losing people. I get afraid of what may happen and what I could have done differently. I worry about it so much that I really run myself thin. I get exhausted from worrying. Thats where my OCD kicks in. Its like I'm obsessed with thinking about it, reliving it. And I can't figure out how to make it stop. Instead of just dropping it and moving forward in life, I sit there trapped within my own emotions. Why can't I be better? Why can't I make a person want to stay? Friend or lover. Boy or girl. Why do I always screw up?

Something else I've been thinking of a lot is trying to decide when I put my happiness first and when I do not. I think its something I need to learn. I need to learn my own boundaries to help me gain that true happiness. I need to decide how I am going to achieve the things I want and how to better myself. Don't get me wrong, I do love myself. I don't always love the things my brain thinks and I don't like how I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes. I don't like how I've become scared to show my true self and I most definitely don't love the way I look when I wake up in the morning! =P But I think I do have redeeming qualities as well. I love to make people laugh and my sarcasm. I like that I know that I can be honest. My mom always says "I would rather hear it from you than from someone else. So if you do something wrong, you need to tell me that way I can help you." And I think I apply that to my life in general. I never want a friend to hear gossip that I supposedly said. I am not afraid to address someone when I feel like there is a problem and I'm not afraid to say I'm sorry. I like that I have good intentions and never really mean to hurt someone. I may think about it when I'm really upset sometimes but I realize that it is irrational thinking just because I'm upset, so I cool down until I can speak with a clear mind. 

I am still missing James, but I am starting to see that things can be okay with out him. I got together with a friend and realized how I can really have fun and be myself with a boy around. I've been so ridiculously scared of boys recently. I'm afraid to be around them and I'm afraid of getting hurt. I have never felt this way in my life but I really am genuinely scared. And when I was with my friend, he really gave me a ray of hope that things might turn out okay. I think I genuinely smiled with a boy for the first time in a month. 

All in all, I'm still searching for answers. Still searching for ways to continue to better myself. I'm still looking for ways to clear the doubt. I'm still looking for peace....