One year and counting

Its been a little over a year since one of the hardest times of my life. You would think that it would get better, but it hasn't changed much really. I still miss him with every fiber of my being. A good majority of the time I would do anything to have him back. I've been having constant dreams about him lately. Every night. Which leads to awful mornings. My dating life has been pretty good, I cannot lie or complain. But recently, every time I am on a date, I just want it to be James. I don't want anyone else. So dating has been so... bland lately. I keep on hoping that someone will come along even though my heart tells me not to keep hoping. Its almost like I can't help it. I'm getting even more frustrated and hurt as each day goes by. I hope to hear from him every time I check my email. I pray that he will call. I dream that he will show up on my doorstep saying that he's sorry and he wants to try again. But the thing that kills me the most is that I know he doesn't care. At all. It doesn't phase him. I'm just a memory and one where he was just "imagining" his feelings for me, it was merely "infatuation." That hurts. So bad. I wish I could just let it go and allow my heart peace.

My feelings right now, in two songs:

Still Hurting:



Someone Like You:

Dear Pops.

Its Fathers day and a few days ago was my dad's birthday. So what better time than to write about him. I love my dad so much. I know many people say that and so it becomes a little normal or nonchalant, but I really do. The older I get the more respect I gain for my dad. He is one of the most patient and kind hearted people I've ever met. Throughout all of my struggles he has sat by me and simply listened, or rubbed my back while I cried. He gives me hope when I am down. He helps me feel good about my decisions in life and is one of the greatest supports in my life. As I continue on in my education, I also gain a deep respect for my father. He can understand my struggles because he has experienced them. He rejoices with me when I get a good grade and gives me much praise, which is something that I personally need. But helps keep me positive if something doesn't go as expected in school. Since I am a person who needs much affirmation and positive energy, he knows me well enough to understand that I need that without me ever pointing it out to him. He doesn't try to fix all of my questions or push me to do things. He listens, provides wisdom if I ask for it, and provides his love and concern. 

One thing I love my dad for is how great he is with my mom. They're a normal couple with their disagreements but he treats her so well. I hear them laughing together all the time and he cares for her whenever she is in need. I have talked to my mom a lot about their relationship but have never really seen or heard anything from my dad about it. (You know how quiet my dad is) But while we were driving home from our cruise, I saw something that I had never quite witnessed before. My mom was asleep in the front seat (she LOVES sleeping when we travel) and my dad was eating sun flower seeds, he tends to eat them when he gets tired because they help to keep him awake. I could tell my dad was tired and I had offered many times to drive, but even if I had taken the opportunity to drive I know he would've stayed awake in fear of getting lost or something. But my dad kept on saying no and turning down my offer. (Pretty much like any other man out there) As he was chewing his sunflower seeds, I saw him give out a big sigh and put his had on top of my mom's hand. He was tired. Normally when he does this my mom sleeps through it or gives a little grunt. But this time my mom woke up, looked at him, squeezed and rubbed his hand in return. No words exchanged. Just a touch and it was like he felt like he could continue with my mom there beside him. He loved my mom enough to turn to her for support.

I'm sure I have seen affection between them many times but for some reason this really stood out in my mind. One simple gesture has shown to me how much he cares for mom and how their marriage isn't just something light and fluffy with romance and little hearts, its a companionship of love and trust. I saw a vulnerability in my dad that day that made me appreciate him even more. He has never been too manly to not be loving, which is, to me, the ultimate sign of a good dad. Someone who is loving and supportive but teaches and guides you in the right direction without allowing worldly concepts and ways of life getting in the way of his potential and calling as a father.

I love my dad so much and have so much gratitude towards my Heavenly Father for blessing me with such great parents. 

Happy Father's Day Dad.

Perfect Timing

These last few weeks have proven to be very ... important to me. I've learned a lot about myself and have gained a lot of blessings. I got my first A in college and I got three! Not just one, three. I have all of my classes in line. Good times with the family. Good times with friends, including reevaluating situations and myself. I'm growing closer to the Lord and I'm really close to finishing the Book of Mormon. Applying for FASFA, making plans for the future. Getting cast in the show and have a new hope to start developing my talents again, including feeling a ton of support from loved ones. 

Although there have been all of these AMAZING things happening in life, there was one not so good memory haunting my mind. Its almost been a year since my break up with James and trying to figure out why its so hard for me to let go. But the Lord has blessed me again. 

I've been living this dating philosophy for the past 6 months of using dating as a filtering service, meaning no serious relationships. At first I completely disagreed when I was introduced to this concept. I didn't understand why looking for and having serious relationships were so bad. But because my dating habits and dating perspective of myself were so unhealthy, I knew something had to change. So, I made a promise to myself that I would try it for one semester and see how it worked. I ended up really loving it. It helped me see that relationships are not something to turn to unless you are really serious about the person. And you still got to go out and get to know a variety of people while learning about yourself.

Now, since I have started this I haven't really had anyone I was interested in. I was interested in AJ for a while but I realized that he didn't treat me the way I should be treated and that the relationship wouldn't have been healthy for me. So I made the decision to keep on looking. It was difficult, especially since AJ was the first person I was really attracted to since James. 

I've been dating a lot of boys but I never felt like I could truly commit to any of them. I liked some of them but for some reason couldn't feel that commitment. And for a little while I was actually afraid that I had lost my desire to commit and I would never want to again. It was worrying me a bit but I kept on thinking to myself that it would happen with someone when I was ready and open.

The time is creeping closer to the one year mark and the Lord has found yet another way to bless me. I met someone that I actually feel like I would be interested in seeing them. I'm excited to see where it goes. And I love that I can feel healthy while pursuing this relationship. I think the Lord has guided me up to this point recently because he knew I had worked hard and preparing. Now, I'm not saying that I have a ring on my finger, =P, and honestly being close to someone again scares me a little, but I am excited to feel like I want to invest time to see what develops. 

The Lord is great. Why should I not rejoice?