Thinking of You

This song has changed my life in so many ways.

And I have related it to so many different occasions in my life.

I would probably choose it as my theme song if I could have one.

I honestly think this song has saved me many many times...

It must have been written for me.

Epic Fail

So, I apologize that I haven't written in a week. I went to the lake with some friends which was SO much fun and I faced a lot of fears and conquered them! But, I'm not going to focus on that because I don't have much time to write tonight and would rather write about something else, so maybe some day in the near future. (Complete with pictures!)

Anyway, This week has most definitely been a challenge for me. I feel like breaking down and not continuing anymore. Nothing is working out for me. I don't understand what the point is of going on if its just going to continue hurting and causing me pain. I have faithfully kept up my scripture study, prayers, and church attendance. I have put forth effort to make friends. I have found a new job. I'm going to school. I know a person can continue to find things to improve on to hope to make life better, but I'm so exhausted from trying and making no progress. 

I started my job yesterday and at first it was so interesting and fun! But today I started doing somethings with my mentor and I saw how quickly I was ruining everything. Pretty soon I couldn't keep up at all and the clients knew that something was wrong, which is pretty hard to come by since its just on the phone! I would get so lost I wouldn't even know where to start again. I really have a hard time thinking that I will ever get the hang of this, especially since I feel like I still have so much to learn in one day and then take a "possible elimination test" the next day and am out on my own the next. And what makes it worse is that my third day of training is tomorrow (Thurs.) and then I have a 3 day weekend to completely forget everything I learn, finally followed by my test on Monday.  To make things even better everything that I've learned through school is completely setting me at a DISadvantage instead of advantage. Like in interpreting we learn about "lag time" which is how much time you give between when the speaker begins and when you begin. Usually a good lag time is 6-9 seconds, to help you start to get a good idea of the concept and correct ASL grammar. In SIPRelay (where I'm at now) if you give ANY lag time you're screwed and you can't process anything they say. Its throwing me in such a loop.I'm totally dead. Completely dead. I feel so discouraged. I just can't keep up.

I try to continue trying to step forward, away from this rut of a life I have right now, but its like I'm putting forth all of my efforts, stuck in quicksand, just to not go anywhere and be more exhausted than before.

How is it that everything I love falls through my fingers and leaves. For the first time in my life I want to go to school and I want to do something. I love the Deaf, I love the culture, I love American Sign Language. But I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough to stay with my peers in school. I'm not skilled enough to continue. I have to retake classes because I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I want to do well at this job, and if it was based on desire and passion I'd been in the top 10 % I'm sure, but its not. I'm going to be lucky if I can keep it. And of course, the obvious, James left. If I had done something different he might still be here. I might be having the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with someone who I really love and who really loves me. But I wasn't good enough. And what breaks my heart even more is that he still doesn't want me. He's happier with out me.

I don't know what else Heavenly Father wants from me. I really don't know. I've tried getting blessings, I've tried hour long prayers, I've tried taking steps forward with faith and its not getting better. I wish I could run away from here... 

Someone please save me.

"Its So Fluffy I'm Going To Die!"

I've had another few days of just staring at my computer screen trying to put the words together of how I feel. And honestly the one world I can come up with: chaos. Its been a whirl wind of emotions, sad, happy, confused, upset, anger, hopelessness and hopefulness all at one time. Its like a tornado came into Jen-ville and tore the town apart. 

The foremost feeling that I have had has been anger towards myself.

I feel like I am constantly getting myself into these situations that I cannot win. I really try to do my best and I have good intentions but it always blows up in my face. I find myself stuck between a hard rock and a hard place all the time. I never mean to hurt anyone. I never mean for things to go wrong. But they do. I'm afraid of losing people. I get afraid of what may happen and what I could have done differently. I worry about it so much that I really run myself thin. I get exhausted from worrying. Thats where my OCD kicks in. Its like I'm obsessed with thinking about it, reliving it. And I can't figure out how to make it stop. Instead of just dropping it and moving forward in life, I sit there trapped within my own emotions. Why can't I be better? Why can't I make a person want to stay? Friend or lover. Boy or girl. Why do I always screw up?

Something else I've been thinking of a lot is trying to decide when I put my happiness first and when I do not. I think its something I need to learn. I need to learn my own boundaries to help me gain that true happiness. I need to decide how I am going to achieve the things I want and how to better myself. Don't get me wrong, I do love myself. I don't always love the things my brain thinks and I don't like how I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes. I don't like how I've become scared to show my true self and I most definitely don't love the way I look when I wake up in the morning! =P But I think I do have redeeming qualities as well. I love to make people laugh and my sarcasm. I like that I know that I can be honest. My mom always says "I would rather hear it from you than from someone else. So if you do something wrong, you need to tell me that way I can help you." And I think I apply that to my life in general. I never want a friend to hear gossip that I supposedly said. I am not afraid to address someone when I feel like there is a problem and I'm not afraid to say I'm sorry. I like that I have good intentions and never really mean to hurt someone. I may think about it when I'm really upset sometimes but I realize that it is irrational thinking just because I'm upset, so I cool down until I can speak with a clear mind. 

I am still missing James, but I am starting to see that things can be okay with out him. I got together with a friend and realized how I can really have fun and be myself with a boy around. I've been so ridiculously scared of boys recently. I'm afraid to be around them and I'm afraid of getting hurt. I have never felt this way in my life but I really am genuinely scared. And when I was with my friend, he really gave me a ray of hope that things might turn out okay. I think I genuinely smiled with a boy for the first time in a month. 

All in all, I'm still searching for answers. Still searching for ways to continue to better myself. I'm still looking for ways to clear the doubt. I'm still looking for peace....  

A Great Thing

Today I went to Marci's for a shirt decorating party. It was totally fun! We painted our shirts and then played music together and pretty much had a talent night. 

At the beginning I just couldn't decide what I wanted to draw on my shirt. I thought maybe a funny picture of a unicorn or an ostrage or a mermaid or something, but then inspiration came. BAM! (like on those toothpaste commercials) Why not make an Avatar shirt! I was totally stoked and scared at the same time because I didn't want to mess it up. Well, you be the judge. Let me know what you think!

Marci, Myself, Phillip, and Stu right after we jammed for a while.

That One Looked Like A Banana!

This week has been pretty crazy. And instead of doing individual posts I'm just going to combine them into one. 

1) I finally heard from my job. I'll be working at Sorenson Communications (which is a telephone service for the Deaf/Hard of Hearing) I knew I had the job before but I was really confused because they had sent me an email on the June 26th saying I needed to come to orientation and finish paper work on the 21st or 22nd. And then they said I would be starting on July 5th at 5:00, which they knew I couldn't do because of my night classes. I emailed them like 5 times and called them 3 times and never heard back until today. I guess they had some background check mix ups so now I have to wait until the next training period. Hopefully it won't take too long. But at least I know I got the job!

2) I went on my first few actual dates since the break up. I've never been so awkward in my life. (which, for those of you who know me, its REALLY hard for me to feel awkward) I could tell how my uncomfortableness was making my dates uncomfortable too. I realized how much better I was when my girl friends were there to support me. Maybe I'm not ready to get out there alone just quite yet but I'm trying and slowly easing in.

3) I went with Jordan and my friend Taylor to go see the premiere of "The Last Airbender." We're all really big fans of the show so it was nice to go with people who were just as enthused as I was. Ha ha. The movie was... okay. Not incredible, not super horrible either. I ended up writing a review and I'm quite proud of it. I might post it here on a later date. 

Tay, Jordan and myself

Me and Aang

4) I've been hanging out with Marci a lot lately and she has really supported me. Its nice to have a good girlfriend again. We've had some awesome adventures, and she's introduced me to some new fun people like Phillip, Kylee, and Shari. We went to fireworks on Saturday night (I was being a poo head and missing James) so during the fireworks I was really lame but afterwards we played frisbee, took pictures and then went to Dees. Which made for a really fun night! It was so funny, we were sitting next to this family and the kids (probably around 5 and 6) would sit there and yell out the funniest comments like: "WOAH! THAT ONE LOOKED LIKE A BANANA!" or "THAT ONE'S BIGGER THAN MY HEAD!" We were dying of laughter.

Myself, Marci, and Shari

Marci and me

5) Yesterday, Phillip invited to the Bee's game with some friends, which ended with AMAZING fireworks. All of this was 3 dollars mind you! We had so much fun laughing together. I also brought a date (Tyson) who was super fun to tease. It was so funny. The fireworks really were the best fireworks I've ever seen and I felt really accepted and loved with the group of people I was with. It was so nice to feel that again.

Kylee, Marci, and Me

Phil and Me

Shari and Me

Tyson and Me

3) I still miss James like crazy. I continually think to myself what I could've done differently to make him stay. I know he loves me and I can't grasp what would make him want to leave. I feel like he's making a mistake, but I can't make him change. All I can do is hope that he will change his mind. But at the same time, I don't want him anymore. He doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't listen to his heart. He is so logical in his thinking that it clouds his own feelings and desires. He doesn't want me? Well, he's going to regret his decision. I need someone better than James. I sit there and think "oh James was perfect, no one's going to be better than him." But in reality he's already failed in a sense that he suddenly decided to change his mind one day, treat me like crap and run away and disappear. I need someone who actually cares. Who doesn't just change from night to day. He can sit there and pretend everything's okay with him but in reality he's just denying everything he knew to be right. It will come and bite him in the butt one day.... Well, I really hope so that is.

How. Why.

I miss him.