Please Go Away

So today was a downer. Hardcore. I turned down going to Lagoon because I wanted to spend some time at home and hopefully spend some time at Taylorsville Days with my friends. (I love Taylorsville Days!) It was nice to sleep some because last night was horrible. I didn't fall asleep until about 6 am. I couldn't stop thinking about things and was getting more and more depressed. Sometimes I wish I could just... not exist.Things would be so much better if I didn't. My family wouldn't have to struggle so much. The people I love wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't be around to hurt anyone or make things worse. And I wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't feel anything. I wouldn't be around to feel anything. I mean, I know I could say "I wish I were dead." But because of my beliefs and knowledge I know that wouldn't solve anything because I would still bring this guilt and sadness into the next life. The experiences would have already happened. The best way I can describe it is simply that I wish I didn't exist. 

Anyway, so I thought I would have people to spend time with. But the only thing that came around was my dog. She stayed with me. Which was nice. But it still would've been nice to have felt like someone wanted me. (<-- This is me having distorted thinking. I know its not true but my brain and heart are convinced otherwise) 

The thought of James was haunting me today. I still have this idea in my head that he's coming back. And he's not. He won't. He never will. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but today it just killed me inside. I think its because I've been spending time with other guys and realizing that it might actually be fun to be single again. And then I remember how amazing it felt to have James in my life.  I don't want James to find anyone else. I wish he could feel for me again. And I wish he wouldn't allow his brain to convince him otherwise. I still can't believe that he "is confident in his decision." I can't believe he doesn't care. Its like I'm going through the shock all over again. I know things like this take time, but I don't want them to. The timing is never right for me. It never has been. Why can't it be right for me?! Don't I deserve it to be right for me? I'm doing everything I can to lead a righteous life and I feel like all I get is hurt and disappointment.

Theres this quote that I read about the song "Send in the Clowns." And it says:

"Theres that edge of bitterness and disappointment,
 how it HURTS to hope, but she can't stop herself 
from still hoping anyway."

Story of my life. It never goes away. Why can't I learn and just stop...

Anyway, I missed Taylorsville Days for the first time in my life. Afraid to go alone. To appear alone. To see people from my past and see them happy and not alone. And I know I couldn't handle watching the fireworks show without breaking down. So I left. It killed me. I spent some time at my friends Zac's house. Watched some ultimate fighting stuff and then left to spend some time at the institute playing ping pong and pool with Jay and his friends. Jay and I had a nice talk afterwards, but I still can't help but feel down, hopeless, worthless and alone. Heavenly Father, please hear my prayers......