Finally.

Lets start this off with a common subject of mine: Young men. I've met a bunch of great guys lately. Like genuinely good guys. I am so grateful for them, they have helped me realize so much about myself and my desires and steps towards relationships. I'm not going to lie, there were a few weeks where I really had completely given up on relationships, a feeling I had never felt before in my entire life. No interest in dating, no interest in getting to know people, no interest to be even remotely close to the opposite sex. But the Lord has blessed me with men who are amazing and have shown me that not all boys are douche bags that are going to leave. I've realized how there are decent guys out there that will care of me whether its in a romantic way or friendship way and that have showed me that I do matter, something that I had forgotten. 

Many days the thoughts of insignificance haunted my mind. Thoughts consisting of thats like if I were better James would've stayed. If I hadn't had said this, if I hadn't have done that, James deserved someone better than some low life trash that I am. Although James made me feel great and loved when we were together, he completely betrayed me and my trust. Everything he had ever said went out the window.
I think the moment that changed everything was one day when we were at his cousins house just sitting outside doing homework and he asked me if I was having fun and I was honest and said "no." Its not because of him, it was because I wasn't used to being in a situation where everyone wasn't together talking during a family get together. For those of you who know my family, dinner is extremely important and so is socializing, enjoying our time of being together. It was weird to me that he was secluded and even when he was finished with his homework he didn't enjoy the group setting. He also didn't spend much time with the kids which also surprised me. As fun as it was being around people I don't know, pretty much ignoring them and watching James trying to figure out homework that didn't make any sense to me, I just was ignorant and replied "no." Some days I wish I would've lied. I think to myself that I would do anything to take that back because EVERYTHING changed at that point. And honestly, most of the time if I could have the opportunity to take it back, it might have changed everything. 

But now, I don't even know who he is anymore, but I'm happy where I am.  I don't need a man like that in my life. Maybe this will sound wrong but I really hope one day he can realize how much he hurt me and can taste the bitter excruciating pain that I have had to deal with for the past 7 months. I hope he realizes the great thing he gave up. He lost not only me, but a great relationship in general. He allowed his brain and logic to take over his heart and spirit. Although I lost the love of my life, the man I was willing and ready to spend time and all eternity with, who left me, I'm finally healing. Oh happy day.