One year and counting

Its been a little over a year since one of the hardest times of my life. You would think that it would get better, but it hasn't changed much really. I still miss him with every fiber of my being. A good majority of the time I would do anything to have him back. I've been having constant dreams about him lately. Every night. Which leads to awful mornings. My dating life has been pretty good, I cannot lie or complain. But recently, every time I am on a date, I just want it to be James. I don't want anyone else. So dating has been so... bland lately. I keep on hoping that someone will come along even though my heart tells me not to keep hoping. Its almost like I can't help it. I'm getting even more frustrated and hurt as each day goes by. I hope to hear from him every time I check my email. I pray that he will call. I dream that he will show up on my doorstep saying that he's sorry and he wants to try again. But the thing that kills me the most is that I know he doesn't care. At all. It doesn't phase him. I'm just a memory and one where he was just "imagining" his feelings for me, it was merely "infatuation." That hurts. So bad. I wish I could just let it go and allow my heart peace.

My feelings right now, in two songs:

Still Hurting:



Someone Like You:

Dear Pops.

Its Fathers day and a few days ago was my dad's birthday. So what better time than to write about him. I love my dad so much. I know many people say that and so it becomes a little normal or nonchalant, but I really do. The older I get the more respect I gain for my dad. He is one of the most patient and kind hearted people I've ever met. Throughout all of my struggles he has sat by me and simply listened, or rubbed my back while I cried. He gives me hope when I am down. He helps me feel good about my decisions in life and is one of the greatest supports in my life. As I continue on in my education, I also gain a deep respect for my father. He can understand my struggles because he has experienced them. He rejoices with me when I get a good grade and gives me much praise, which is something that I personally need. But helps keep me positive if something doesn't go as expected in school. Since I am a person who needs much affirmation and positive energy, he knows me well enough to understand that I need that without me ever pointing it out to him. He doesn't try to fix all of my questions or push me to do things. He listens, provides wisdom if I ask for it, and provides his love and concern. 

One thing I love my dad for is how great he is with my mom. They're a normal couple with their disagreements but he treats her so well. I hear them laughing together all the time and he cares for her whenever she is in need. I have talked to my mom a lot about their relationship but have never really seen or heard anything from my dad about it. (You know how quiet my dad is) But while we were driving home from our cruise, I saw something that I had never quite witnessed before. My mom was asleep in the front seat (she LOVES sleeping when we travel) and my dad was eating sun flower seeds, he tends to eat them when he gets tired because they help to keep him awake. I could tell my dad was tired and I had offered many times to drive, but even if I had taken the opportunity to drive I know he would've stayed awake in fear of getting lost or something. But my dad kept on saying no and turning down my offer. (Pretty much like any other man out there) As he was chewing his sunflower seeds, I saw him give out a big sigh and put his had on top of my mom's hand. He was tired. Normally when he does this my mom sleeps through it or gives a little grunt. But this time my mom woke up, looked at him, squeezed and rubbed his hand in return. No words exchanged. Just a touch and it was like he felt like he could continue with my mom there beside him. He loved my mom enough to turn to her for support.

I'm sure I have seen affection between them many times but for some reason this really stood out in my mind. One simple gesture has shown to me how much he cares for mom and how their marriage isn't just something light and fluffy with romance and little hearts, its a companionship of love and trust. I saw a vulnerability in my dad that day that made me appreciate him even more. He has never been too manly to not be loving, which is, to me, the ultimate sign of a good dad. Someone who is loving and supportive but teaches and guides you in the right direction without allowing worldly concepts and ways of life getting in the way of his potential and calling as a father.

I love my dad so much and have so much gratitude towards my Heavenly Father for blessing me with such great parents. 

Happy Father's Day Dad.

Perfect Timing

These last few weeks have proven to be very ... important to me. I've learned a lot about myself and have gained a lot of blessings. I got my first A in college and I got three! Not just one, three. I have all of my classes in line. Good times with the family. Good times with friends, including reevaluating situations and myself. I'm growing closer to the Lord and I'm really close to finishing the Book of Mormon. Applying for FASFA, making plans for the future. Getting cast in the show and have a new hope to start developing my talents again, including feeling a ton of support from loved ones. 

Although there have been all of these AMAZING things happening in life, there was one not so good memory haunting my mind. Its almost been a year since my break up with James and trying to figure out why its so hard for me to let go. But the Lord has blessed me again. 

I've been living this dating philosophy for the past 6 months of using dating as a filtering service, meaning no serious relationships. At first I completely disagreed when I was introduced to this concept. I didn't understand why looking for and having serious relationships were so bad. But because my dating habits and dating perspective of myself were so unhealthy, I knew something had to change. So, I made a promise to myself that I would try it for one semester and see how it worked. I ended up really loving it. It helped me see that relationships are not something to turn to unless you are really serious about the person. And you still got to go out and get to know a variety of people while learning about yourself.

Now, since I have started this I haven't really had anyone I was interested in. I was interested in AJ for a while but I realized that he didn't treat me the way I should be treated and that the relationship wouldn't have been healthy for me. So I made the decision to keep on looking. It was difficult, especially since AJ was the first person I was really attracted to since James. 

I've been dating a lot of boys but I never felt like I could truly commit to any of them. I liked some of them but for some reason couldn't feel that commitment. And for a little while I was actually afraid that I had lost my desire to commit and I would never want to again. It was worrying me a bit but I kept on thinking to myself that it would happen with someone when I was ready and open.

The time is creeping closer to the one year mark and the Lord has found yet another way to bless me. I met someone that I actually feel like I would be interested in seeing them. I'm excited to see where it goes. And I love that I can feel healthy while pursuing this relationship. I think the Lord has guided me up to this point recently because he knew I had worked hard and preparing. Now, I'm not saying that I have a ring on my finger, =P, and honestly being close to someone again scares me a little, but I am excited to feel like I want to invest time to see what develops. 

The Lord is great. Why should I not rejoice?

A Dream...

I auditioned for The Wizard Of Oz last week, and I found out today that I got cast as Dorothy!!! This is a HUGE step and accomplishment for me. I can't believe I've been given this amazing opportunity and I am so grateful for the chance to develop myself into a stronger person. I'm so excited, I really can not believe this. I can't wait! Here's a look of what I found on the website today. I was completely speechless. It was like living a dream all over again. I'm so grateful to be working with Schmid again, a man who really believes in me and my abilities. This is exactly what I needed. The Lord really does hear prayers. Now, I only hope to do my best.... Again, just to let you know, I am SO excited! =D =D =D

Time of Thanks...

Its been a while since I've blogged, I know. I keep on thinking "Oh, I need to update that." But never actually get around to it. So, I'm just going to give a short shout out in this one.

I would like to thank my Heavenly Father. I have been so blessed lately. Meeting great people, having awesome opportunities and feeling the love of my Savior through others. Now, I only hope to grow stronger spiritually. I want to continue to learn and strengthen my relationship with him. I have been incredibly blessed and couldn't continue the day without expressing my love and appreciation for my Savior.

I Will Never Learn

I am a despicable human being.

That is all.

Stoooooooooop

I miss him.

I should be over this by now.

I hate myself sometimes.

The classic Utah high school date...

This Saturday I was set up for a blind date. My friend Missy contacted me to see if I wanted to go on a date with a boy with her and another boy. I said sure, I've taken on this new idea of openly dating, so why not. As I pulled up to her house (where we were meeting) I saw what I thought was my friend Julia's car... 'hm... thats odd,' I thought to myself.

I get to the doorstep only to see a bajillion and three people there! Not really, there were only 8, but I was surprised! Apparently it was going to be a huge group date with 6 couples. (I might be horrible at math, but I know you're thinking that doesn't add up, 2 of the couple's met us later) What made it even better was that all of the girls were from the ASL program so we could sign the entire time and the boys wouldn't know! (Is that evil or what!? Ha!) So when I walked in there was one boy talking and I was thought to myself, oh, he's super cute! Missy paired us up and I got paired with a boy named Darin, from Tennessee, and boy, did he have the Southern charm! He was really nice and kept me smiling. 

It was funny because all of us just kept on talking with everyone, no one was really "paired off" until it came to seating arrangements and carpooling. Technically, we had our specific date but we all got to know each other. 

So we first picked up some pizza and then headed to... can you guess? Thats right, a ward house. In the gym were blankets and we all grabbed some food and sat and talked. Then we played the stomp the balloon game where you tie two balloons to your legs and run around trying to pop other's but preventing them from popping your own. Holy crap, it was then when I realized how out of shape I was. I was wheezing and hacking up a lung after like... .5 seconds while doubling over from laughter all at the same time. Needless to say, I was the first one out. The we played this game called 'The Awkward Game,' which is pretty much like Twister, just standing up. I ended up getting to stand by the kid I thought was super cute ( his name is AJ ) and we ended up getting really close, pretty much bear hugging each other and holding on to other people for support. When it was his turn he tried to pivot but lost his balance and 4 of us came crashing down to the floor, AJ on top of me. I suddenly felt this really sharp pain in my arm and it hurt like crazy. When he got up we saw that my pearl bracelet had broken from the impact of the fall and my wrist was throbbing with pain. I didn't want to make him feel bad, so I tried to act cool. Of course he kept on apologizing and I kept on saying it was okay, I mean accidents happen and I know he didn't mean to. 

The night went on while we went to Ryan's house to have brownies with ice cream and smoothies to accompany watching a movie. As we were waiting for everything to be done, everyone chatted; me by my date and AJ by his, Allison. We talked about music and super hero powers when we were interrupted by the host telling us our smoothies were done. Most people got up to get one, but I wasn't feeling in the mood for sugar so I just stayed in my seat. AJ was the first to come back with his smoothie, so I jumped over to him on the couch to get on his phone and show him, youtube style, some of the bands I was mentioning earlier . 

Next thing I know, everyone was back. Darin (my date) and Allison (AJ's date) were talking on the couch... and they were sharing a blanket. I couldn't believe what was happening. I was planning on moving back to my seat but I guess they were just fine and dandy sitting by each other... sharing a blanket... and I was sitting with AJ. I couldn't believe my luck. So they handed out blankets and guess what AJ and I did... thats right, we shared a blanket. HaaaChaaa! I couldn't help but laugh to myself about how we actually switched dates in the middle of the date and everyone was perfectly okay with it, I'm actually still laughing about it. Throughout the night we made funny comments about how we're all caring people so we share, because sharing is caring and it can be fun. I couldn't help but feel a little giddy inside because I actually ended up with AJ, and I was super excited about it. Our personalities just meshed so well together and plus, he was cute!

When we finally all arrived back to Missy's house, the cars lined up on the street, we walked with our dates... well, with our new dates... to our cars. As I looked down the street I realized there were four different doorstep scenes going on at the same time. AJ helped me wipe the snow off my car, we hugged and went our separate ways, concluding the typical high school at the age of 23 date.

I must say, in all honesty, this had to be one of the funnest yet... interesting dates of my 23 years of life. I had a blast and made a connection with every one of those people in that group, while finding an awesome connection with a young man who shares my standards, personality traits, is cute and enjoys having fun. I'm pretty sure I have never been that amused in my entire life.

The good Lord works in mysterious, and clearly, hilarious ways. 

Deaf Activity

For those of you who don't know, I am the Public Relations chair for the ASL club and on Friday we had a n activity and it went absolutely great! We played games, ate food, and mingled! Not only did people from both the interpreting world and the actual Deaf community show up but people are even starting to bring their friends who don't know sign to become familiar with the culture! It was a huge success. Lets hope things continue to grow!

Here's the group (People came and went throughout the night...) :

My first A!

So, I received my first A on a test at SLCC. I cannot say how proud of myself I am. I've really worked hard on making sure I do well this semester and it looks like its starting to pay off! I honestly almost died when I saw my score and almost started crying, but instead I lightly punched the person next to me a few times to get out my energy followed by a huge hug and finally asking him to take a picture of me and a stupid piece of paper. I think he was a little scared but I couldn't help myself! I was so happy!

At first I only received a 91/100 but as we went through the test he gave us extra points for questions that the majority of the class missed making my grade a 93! As he continued to go over the answers, I realized he missed marking one wrong, so I wrote him a note on the front of my test (as we're supposed to) so I was now back at 92. but at the end a girl asked what to do if he didn't mark one wrong that was wrong, he replied that she got the point because she was honest. At the end of class I went up and showed him the note I made and he said that I could get that point too! So TA DA! A 93! AH! Here are some pictures: (don't mind my awful hair... I woke up late.... =S)

.My Personal Ad.

So for my marriage and family relations class we were given the opportunity to get 5 extra credit points for the upcoming test if we would write two "personal ads." One stating things about ourself and the other stating what we were looking for in a companion.

I was just going to hand them in but I had a lot of fun with this assignment and was not quite sure if we would get our cards back so I've decided to write them on my blog as well!

So for all of you bachelors out there, and well.... anyone else out there.... here you are. 

::My Personal Ad::

About me:

When I was young I was your "typical girl," complete with unicorns and princesses. But as I have grown I have found things that distinguish me from the other 5"8, brunette, hazel eyed girls. I love anything vintage. I dream of going to Africa. I live for the arts and expression. I enjoy trying new foods... well, eating in general, really! I cheer for the Jazz, I boo for the Lakers. I indulge in intellectual conversation while I also indulge in conversations full of laughs, but not sarcasm. I don't believe in sarcasm... at all... now go make me a sandwich. :)

What I am looking for:

If I could pick any fictional character as a "significant other" I would choose Edward from "Twilight"... okay, thats a lie. I would actually choose the character Jim from the sitcom "The Office." Charming, witty, supportive, caring, understanding... and being cute is a plus! I am a sucker for the side parted hair, baby faces, cardigans, and oddly enough biceps. (I honestly really do not know why) He has to have goals, be passionate, and love learning. Being a family man is quite important to me... as well as the fact that he must love dogs and also the Jazz, of course!

Frustrated just a bit.

For some reason I got frustrated at a lot of things today. I've become good friends with some boys in my sociology class and we usually have lunch together afterwards. But I've been feeling really pressured lately about it. I don't think any particular person is pressuring me but myself, and it kills me some days. I'm so afraid of hurting people and of getting hurt. I like making friends. I like talking and getting to know new people. I like reaching my hand out for friendship, and for those of you who know me, its just not hard for me to do it. I enjoy it. But people misread it. Boys end up upset and mad at me, thinking that I'm just jumping from guy to guy, lying to them and using them. Girls end up thinking of me of as always wanting to compete with them or steal their crushes and backstabbing them. For as long as I can remember people have thought these things about me. But if you knew me, for any of you who truly know me know that is the last thing I want to do. So its frustrating when it happens. I have been fighting this for years on end and the only option I can think of doing is to change who I am for everyone else to be happy. I honestly do try to be a good person and people misuse it or misread it, get upset with me, and then I always feel so bad and it kills me inside. Next thing you know there is this "I hate Jen" club in Utah where I feel like people are passing out emotional fliers, changing the way other people see me. 

Its like one of those high school nightmares where you enter the school and everyone is whispering about you when you walk by. Or if someone tries to approach you, someone will stop them and they get this disgusting look on their face and walk away. I promise to each and every one of you who reads this, I honestly, with all of my heart, try to do whats right and be a genuinely good person. Try to be open and fun. Try to be a good friend and will never purposefully do anything to hurt you. 

Dear *fill in the blank here*

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, life's been a little crazy.... well, actually it hasn't. I haven't had much to write about. So I haven't blogged. Ha ha ha ha.

First off, I want to say how proud of myself I am. I have only missed one day of class (I was really sick) and I have turned in all of my assignments on time. I know for a lot of my family this is probably hard to understand because my family is fricken smart. And determined. And did I mention smart? They all make it seem so easy, like studying is natural for them and don't have to fight with themselves to get things done. Education is really important in my family and everyone takes it pretty seriously... until me. I struggle with it SO much. But I'm really trying to buckle down and get it done. I truly had to do everything within myself to sit down and write my anthropology paper tonight, but I did it. I did it.

I know it might sound like school is all I ever talk about but I've taken a turn in my life and its a big deal for me... actually going to school and trying to get a degree, trying to do well. 

Dear ASL: You better KNOW that I love you so much that I am willing to do all of this for you.

Dear Connie: You better KNOW that I am going to be interpreter and you're going to be wrong.

Dear Spencer: You better KNOW that I am going to do this.

Dear Heavenly Father and Christ: Thank you.

Texas Roadhouse Fail. A1 Sauce Win.

So I had two hours between work and school today... well, first let me paint the picture for you. On Thursdays my schedule is as such:

Class 10 - 11:30

Work 12- 3:30

Class 5:30 - 9

Death, right? 

Anyway, so I had a while between work and class, I purposefully did that so I could have extra time to work on any homework that may be needed for my long Thursday class or my Friday quizzes. So I was trying to think of where I wanted to go to study. I've come to realize some things about my studying habits. If I go home I'll just sleep or find something else to do, if I stay at school I'll be too tempted to constantly be looking for people I know or, lets face it, cute boys, so that was a no. And I was also hungry and as fun as a community college's food court is, after eating there everyday you get sick of the slim variety of options. So I thought, 'Hey! I'll go to a restaurant... TEXAS ROADHOUSE.' I don't know why but recently I've really been craving their rolls, steaks, and A1 sauce. Plus, its a cool environment, close to school, there is a super cute waiter there and since I just got paid I could get their lunch special and it would be cheaper! Check, check, and check! I was totally stoked. Their hours are always weird but I've gone there at 2 30 before and it was open even though the door said they opened at 4, so I thought it would be open. Yeah. It wasn't. And I was mad. I still am mad. I wanted my darn rolls, steak, and A1 sauce at a special $7.99 lunch time price! 

Anyway, so I had to reconsider my plan. I decided to go to Applebee's because I was pretty sure I could at least find A1 sauce there, while having some space to study. So I go in and ask if it would be okay if I stayed there for an hour or two to eat and do my homework. The little high school hostess looked at me like I was crazy, gave me the stank eye, and then was like "Like let me ask my manager, I dunno know if we can let'em...well, let people stay that long time period." (No joke, she actually said that) So the manager was like "Sure! We'll just get you a table off to the side." I ate my steak and A1 sauce, with veggies, and then braced myself for the studying. 

I've realized that when I'm away from home but not in a super quiet place but a place that has life and a social "vibe" to it, its easier for me to focus. I know it kind of seems like a contradiction, but it helps me a lot. Maybe because it makes me feel good about myself because I think other people see me and think "Oh, what a good student." Or "Wow, she's driven. She's what college is all about." Ha ha, I don't know, but it works. =P So I ended up reading and hand writing FIVE PAGES worth of notes about ONE CHAPTER for TWO HOURS, all for a freaking TEN POINT QUIZ tomorrow. I got 7 out of 10 last time because I didn't write down exactly what the book said, I put it into my own words. SO this time I was determined to take all the notes and if I don't get those 10 lousy points I'm going to shoot myself in the foot while screaming fluffy puppies and squirting papaya juice all over my professors new white shirt. I'll keep you updated on that. But as for my 3 hour class tonight, I got a 100 % on my quiz and got full participation points. ^_^ I'm determined to make this semester my first ever successful college semester. You watch me, just watch me.

TAKE THAT CONNIE! 

The end.

Finally.

Lets start this off with a common subject of mine: Young men. I've met a bunch of great guys lately. Like genuinely good guys. I am so grateful for them, they have helped me realize so much about myself and my desires and steps towards relationships. I'm not going to lie, there were a few weeks where I really had completely given up on relationships, a feeling I had never felt before in my entire life. No interest in dating, no interest in getting to know people, no interest to be even remotely close to the opposite sex. But the Lord has blessed me with men who are amazing and have shown me that not all boys are douche bags that are going to leave. I've realized how there are decent guys out there that will care of me whether its in a romantic way or friendship way and that have showed me that I do matter, something that I had forgotten. 

Many days the thoughts of insignificance haunted my mind. Thoughts consisting of thats like if I were better James would've stayed. If I hadn't had said this, if I hadn't have done that, James deserved someone better than some low life trash that I am. Although James made me feel great and loved when we were together, he completely betrayed me and my trust. Everything he had ever said went out the window.
I think the moment that changed everything was one day when we were at his cousins house just sitting outside doing homework and he asked me if I was having fun and I was honest and said "no." Its not because of him, it was because I wasn't used to being in a situation where everyone wasn't together talking during a family get together. For those of you who know my family, dinner is extremely important and so is socializing, enjoying our time of being together. It was weird to me that he was secluded and even when he was finished with his homework he didn't enjoy the group setting. He also didn't spend much time with the kids which also surprised me. As fun as it was being around people I don't know, pretty much ignoring them and watching James trying to figure out homework that didn't make any sense to me, I just was ignorant and replied "no." Some days I wish I would've lied. I think to myself that I would do anything to take that back because EVERYTHING changed at that point. And honestly, most of the time if I could have the opportunity to take it back, it might have changed everything. 

But now, I don't even know who he is anymore, but I'm happy where I am.  I don't need a man like that in my life. Maybe this will sound wrong but I really hope one day he can realize how much he hurt me and can taste the bitter excruciating pain that I have had to deal with for the past 7 months. I hope he realizes the great thing he gave up. He lost not only me, but a great relationship in general. He allowed his brain and logic to take over his heart and spirit. Although I lost the love of my life, the man I was willing and ready to spend time and all eternity with, who left me, I'm finally healing. Oh happy day.