Maybe Someone Will See How Much I Care

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kSFZYM6kLM

"Get It Right"

Parade!... Followed By A Song.... Followed By Blisters.

So Wizard of Oz had the opportunity to walk in the 4th of July parade. I, in my ruby red slippers, walked the entire two miles, which I know doesn't sound like much but I'm really lazy and fat so this was the most exercise I've done in a bajillion and three months. Anyway, today I realized that I had pretty bad blisters under my toes and the muscles in my feet are EXTREMELY sore... SO weird! It was a really cool experience to walk in the parade. A lot of the little kids wanted pictures. Kids are my favorite audience members because their imagination is so vivid and their innocence allows them to see things in shows that most of us cannot see. I also love planting that little theatre seed in their hearts to help them say "I really want to do that one day!" Its my favorite part. Also I had to have some one follow me at all times because the material for my dress was very expensive and if it got wet at all it would stain. Since it would on and off sprinkle I had to have a person by me with an umbrella. There were water guns going off too so all of the stage managers and stuff had to tell them to stop while I walked by. It was crazy! 

After that I had a while to eat and then the dreaded moment of my song. I haven't sung publicly for 3 years and so this was a big moment for me. During the scarecrow's song (I have like... three lines) I forgot one of them. Awesome. It still bugs me. I have to really think tell myself to stop because I criticize myself so harshly. Anyway, when it came to my song I asked all the kids to come sit by me. I knew I would be more comfortable if they were there. Suddenly, everyone at the fair seemed to flock to where I was singing. My director then said that it was an amazing moment for him to witness. He continued to say that one of the reason's why I am such a good actor is because I have such stage presence that the audience can't help but be drawn in and that I have such natural instincts that I can sense what the audience needs from me and then I can adjust myself accordingly.

It was one of the best compliments anyone has ever given me, especially coming from someone who works so much in the theatre world and who I admire very much. It was a little pitchy at places because I wasn't used to the minus track but for the most part I couldn't believe how healthy my voice sounded. It didn't seemed strained or pushed at all. I have NEVER gotten that in a performance. Sure by myself, but never in front of people. Over all it was a great experience. Scarier than heck, but I did it. And I pulled through.

PICTURE TIME!

Ruffff!

So as you might know, I was cast in as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. And honestly its taken up a lot of my time and emotions. I'll go from being terrified to excited. Nervous and then thrilled. Its been a roller coaster, but I am so glad I have this show. I think its really helped me have something positive to focus on. My directors are amazing. Its so good to work with Schmid again. I forgot how great an influence he was in my life and I think he's enjoying working with me again too. And our vocal coach, Sue, is such a blessing. She is always giving me the strength and confidence to believe in myself again. Not to mention how my singing is getting better! She's turning into a talent psychologist for me because she listened to my fears and helps me embrace who I am and improve myself. I really am so blessed. 

The cast is amazing as well. At first I was kind of disappointed because there are a ton of high school kids and children and then there are all older adults. No one my age at all! I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, not physically because I look like I'm 16, but mentally and emotionally. But now that I've spent some time and gotten to know them, we all really do work so well together. (Schmid is great at casting) I have learned a lot from the high schoolers, they have so much passion and drive. I forgot how easily it is to just fall into the theatre world in high school. Few distractions and awesome opportunities. And many of them actually have quite impressive resumes! I laugh so much with them and have so much fun. Here are some pictures of rehearsal: (I know I don't look very happy in these, apparently I looked like I was very focused :P But I really did laugh incredibly hard most of the time)

Myself, CJ (Scarecrow), Trevor (Lion), and 

Merrick (understudy for Tin Man)

This was after a super funny moment so CJ started

laughing.... I was trying not to...

My absolute favorite person in the entire world,

Trevor Blair everyone.

The man in the bottom left of this picture is my director,

Schmid. I added this picture because his face is the

true expression of our laughter that night.

Erica's Birthday

Just a little snippet of my best friend's birthday dinner and fireworks. She's awesome. And I love her.

Travis, Jennifer, Erica, myself, Kelsey and Julie

at dinner (and no, Travis isn't gay, he's married

to Jennifer.... not me... but the other Jennifer. :P)

Us girls at fireworks! 

One year and counting

Its been a little over a year since one of the hardest times of my life. You would think that it would get better, but it hasn't changed much really. I still miss him with every fiber of my being. A good majority of the time I would do anything to have him back. I've been having constant dreams about him lately. Every night. Which leads to awful mornings. My dating life has been pretty good, I cannot lie or complain. But recently, every time I am on a date, I just want it to be James. I don't want anyone else. So dating has been so... bland lately. I keep on hoping that someone will come along even though my heart tells me not to keep hoping. Its almost like I can't help it. I'm getting even more frustrated and hurt as each day goes by. I hope to hear from him every time I check my email. I pray that he will call. I dream that he will show up on my doorstep saying that he's sorry and he wants to try again. But the thing that kills me the most is that I know he doesn't care. At all. It doesn't phase him. I'm just a memory and one where he was just "imagining" his feelings for me, it was merely "infatuation." That hurts. So bad. I wish I could just let it go and allow my heart peace.

My feelings right now, in two songs:

Still Hurting:



Someone Like You:

Dear Pops.

Its Fathers day and a few days ago was my dad's birthday. So what better time than to write about him. I love my dad so much. I know many people say that and so it becomes a little normal or nonchalant, but I really do. The older I get the more respect I gain for my dad. He is one of the most patient and kind hearted people I've ever met. Throughout all of my struggles he has sat by me and simply listened, or rubbed my back while I cried. He gives me hope when I am down. He helps me feel good about my decisions in life and is one of the greatest supports in my life. As I continue on in my education, I also gain a deep respect for my father. He can understand my struggles because he has experienced them. He rejoices with me when I get a good grade and gives me much praise, which is something that I personally need. But helps keep me positive if something doesn't go as expected in school. Since I am a person who needs much affirmation and positive energy, he knows me well enough to understand that I need that without me ever pointing it out to him. He doesn't try to fix all of my questions or push me to do things. He listens, provides wisdom if I ask for it, and provides his love and concern. 

One thing I love my dad for is how great he is with my mom. They're a normal couple with their disagreements but he treats her so well. I hear them laughing together all the time and he cares for her whenever she is in need. I have talked to my mom a lot about their relationship but have never really seen or heard anything from my dad about it. (You know how quiet my dad is) But while we were driving home from our cruise, I saw something that I had never quite witnessed before. My mom was asleep in the front seat (she LOVES sleeping when we travel) and my dad was eating sun flower seeds, he tends to eat them when he gets tired because they help to keep him awake. I could tell my dad was tired and I had offered many times to drive, but even if I had taken the opportunity to drive I know he would've stayed awake in fear of getting lost or something. But my dad kept on saying no and turning down my offer. (Pretty much like any other man out there) As he was chewing his sunflower seeds, I saw him give out a big sigh and put his had on top of my mom's hand. He was tired. Normally when he does this my mom sleeps through it or gives a little grunt. But this time my mom woke up, looked at him, squeezed and rubbed his hand in return. No words exchanged. Just a touch and it was like he felt like he could continue with my mom there beside him. He loved my mom enough to turn to her for support.

I'm sure I have seen affection between them many times but for some reason this really stood out in my mind. One simple gesture has shown to me how much he cares for mom and how their marriage isn't just something light and fluffy with romance and little hearts, its a companionship of love and trust. I saw a vulnerability in my dad that day that made me appreciate him even more. He has never been too manly to not be loving, which is, to me, the ultimate sign of a good dad. Someone who is loving and supportive but teaches and guides you in the right direction without allowing worldly concepts and ways of life getting in the way of his potential and calling as a father.

I love my dad so much and have so much gratitude towards my Heavenly Father for blessing me with such great parents. 

Happy Father's Day Dad.

Perfect Timing

These last few weeks have proven to be very ... important to me. I've learned a lot about myself and have gained a lot of blessings. I got my first A in college and I got three! Not just one, three. I have all of my classes in line. Good times with the family. Good times with friends, including reevaluating situations and myself. I'm growing closer to the Lord and I'm really close to finishing the Book of Mormon. Applying for FASFA, making plans for the future. Getting cast in the show and have a new hope to start developing my talents again, including feeling a ton of support from loved ones. 

Although there have been all of these AMAZING things happening in life, there was one not so good memory haunting my mind. Its almost been a year since my break up with James and trying to figure out why its so hard for me to let go. But the Lord has blessed me again. 

I've been living this dating philosophy for the past 6 months of using dating as a filtering service, meaning no serious relationships. At first I completely disagreed when I was introduced to this concept. I didn't understand why looking for and having serious relationships were so bad. But because my dating habits and dating perspective of myself were so unhealthy, I knew something had to change. So, I made a promise to myself that I would try it for one semester and see how it worked. I ended up really loving it. It helped me see that relationships are not something to turn to unless you are really serious about the person. And you still got to go out and get to know a variety of people while learning about yourself.

Now, since I have started this I haven't really had anyone I was interested in. I was interested in AJ for a while but I realized that he didn't treat me the way I should be treated and that the relationship wouldn't have been healthy for me. So I made the decision to keep on looking. It was difficult, especially since AJ was the first person I was really attracted to since James. 

I've been dating a lot of boys but I never felt like I could truly commit to any of them. I liked some of them but for some reason couldn't feel that commitment. And for a little while I was actually afraid that I had lost my desire to commit and I would never want to again. It was worrying me a bit but I kept on thinking to myself that it would happen with someone when I was ready and open.

The time is creeping closer to the one year mark and the Lord has found yet another way to bless me. I met someone that I actually feel like I would be interested in seeing them. I'm excited to see where it goes. And I love that I can feel healthy while pursuing this relationship. I think the Lord has guided me up to this point recently because he knew I had worked hard and preparing. Now, I'm not saying that I have a ring on my finger, =P, and honestly being close to someone again scares me a little, but I am excited to feel like I want to invest time to see what develops. 

The Lord is great. Why should I not rejoice?

A Dream...

I auditioned for The Wizard Of Oz last week, and I found out today that I got cast as Dorothy!!! This is a HUGE step and accomplishment for me. I can't believe I've been given this amazing opportunity and I am so grateful for the chance to develop myself into a stronger person. I'm so excited, I really can not believe this. I can't wait! Here's a look of what I found on the website today. I was completely speechless. It was like living a dream all over again. I'm so grateful to be working with Schmid again, a man who really believes in me and my abilities. This is exactly what I needed. The Lord really does hear prayers. Now, I only hope to do my best.... Again, just to let you know, I am SO excited! =D =D =D

Time of Thanks...

Its been a while since I've blogged, I know. I keep on thinking "Oh, I need to update that." But never actually get around to it. So, I'm just going to give a short shout out in this one.

I would like to thank my Heavenly Father. I have been so blessed lately. Meeting great people, having awesome opportunities and feeling the love of my Savior through others. Now, I only hope to grow stronger spiritually. I want to continue to learn and strengthen my relationship with him. I have been incredibly blessed and couldn't continue the day without expressing my love and appreciation for my Savior.

I Will Never Learn

I am a despicable human being.

That is all.

Stoooooooooop

I miss him.

I should be over this by now.

I hate myself sometimes.

The classic Utah high school date...

This Saturday I was set up for a blind date. My friend Missy contacted me to see if I wanted to go on a date with a boy with her and another boy. I said sure, I've taken on this new idea of openly dating, so why not. As I pulled up to her house (where we were meeting) I saw what I thought was my friend Julia's car... 'hm... thats odd,' I thought to myself.

I get to the doorstep only to see a bajillion and three people there! Not really, there were only 8, but I was surprised! Apparently it was going to be a huge group date with 6 couples. (I might be horrible at math, but I know you're thinking that doesn't add up, 2 of the couple's met us later) What made it even better was that all of the girls were from the ASL program so we could sign the entire time and the boys wouldn't know! (Is that evil or what!? Ha!) So when I walked in there was one boy talking and I was thought to myself, oh, he's super cute! Missy paired us up and I got paired with a boy named Darin, from Tennessee, and boy, did he have the Southern charm! He was really nice and kept me smiling. 

It was funny because all of us just kept on talking with everyone, no one was really "paired off" until it came to seating arrangements and carpooling. Technically, we had our specific date but we all got to know each other. 

So we first picked up some pizza and then headed to... can you guess? Thats right, a ward house. In the gym were blankets and we all grabbed some food and sat and talked. Then we played the stomp the balloon game where you tie two balloons to your legs and run around trying to pop other's but preventing them from popping your own. Holy crap, it was then when I realized how out of shape I was. I was wheezing and hacking up a lung after like... .5 seconds while doubling over from laughter all at the same time. Needless to say, I was the first one out. The we played this game called 'The Awkward Game,' which is pretty much like Twister, just standing up. I ended up getting to stand by the kid I thought was super cute ( his name is AJ ) and we ended up getting really close, pretty much bear hugging each other and holding on to other people for support. When it was his turn he tried to pivot but lost his balance and 4 of us came crashing down to the floor, AJ on top of me. I suddenly felt this really sharp pain in my arm and it hurt like crazy. When he got up we saw that my pearl bracelet had broken from the impact of the fall and my wrist was throbbing with pain. I didn't want to make him feel bad, so I tried to act cool. Of course he kept on apologizing and I kept on saying it was okay, I mean accidents happen and I know he didn't mean to. 

The night went on while we went to Ryan's house to have brownies with ice cream and smoothies to accompany watching a movie. As we were waiting for everything to be done, everyone chatted; me by my date and AJ by his, Allison. We talked about music and super hero powers when we were interrupted by the host telling us our smoothies were done. Most people got up to get one, but I wasn't feeling in the mood for sugar so I just stayed in my seat. AJ was the first to come back with his smoothie, so I jumped over to him on the couch to get on his phone and show him, youtube style, some of the bands I was mentioning earlier . 

Next thing I know, everyone was back. Darin (my date) and Allison (AJ's date) were talking on the couch... and they were sharing a blanket. I couldn't believe what was happening. I was planning on moving back to my seat but I guess they were just fine and dandy sitting by each other... sharing a blanket... and I was sitting with AJ. I couldn't believe my luck. So they handed out blankets and guess what AJ and I did... thats right, we shared a blanket. HaaaChaaa! I couldn't help but laugh to myself about how we actually switched dates in the middle of the date and everyone was perfectly okay with it, I'm actually still laughing about it. Throughout the night we made funny comments about how we're all caring people so we share, because sharing is caring and it can be fun. I couldn't help but feel a little giddy inside because I actually ended up with AJ, and I was super excited about it. Our personalities just meshed so well together and plus, he was cute!

When we finally all arrived back to Missy's house, the cars lined up on the street, we walked with our dates... well, with our new dates... to our cars. As I looked down the street I realized there were four different doorstep scenes going on at the same time. AJ helped me wipe the snow off my car, we hugged and went our separate ways, concluding the typical high school at the age of 23 date.

I must say, in all honesty, this had to be one of the funnest yet... interesting dates of my 23 years of life. I had a blast and made a connection with every one of those people in that group, while finding an awesome connection with a young man who shares my standards, personality traits, is cute and enjoys having fun. I'm pretty sure I have never been that amused in my entire life.

The good Lord works in mysterious, and clearly, hilarious ways. 

Deaf Activity

For those of you who don't know, I am the Public Relations chair for the ASL club and on Friday we had a n activity and it went absolutely great! We played games, ate food, and mingled! Not only did people from both the interpreting world and the actual Deaf community show up but people are even starting to bring their friends who don't know sign to become familiar with the culture! It was a huge success. Lets hope things continue to grow!

Here's the group (People came and went throughout the night...) :

My first A!

So, I received my first A on a test at SLCC. I cannot say how proud of myself I am. I've really worked hard on making sure I do well this semester and it looks like its starting to pay off! I honestly almost died when I saw my score and almost started crying, but instead I lightly punched the person next to me a few times to get out my energy followed by a huge hug and finally asking him to take a picture of me and a stupid piece of paper. I think he was a little scared but I couldn't help myself! I was so happy!

At first I only received a 91/100 but as we went through the test he gave us extra points for questions that the majority of the class missed making my grade a 93! As he continued to go over the answers, I realized he missed marking one wrong, so I wrote him a note on the front of my test (as we're supposed to) so I was now back at 92. but at the end a girl asked what to do if he didn't mark one wrong that was wrong, he replied that she got the point because she was honest. At the end of class I went up and showed him the note I made and he said that I could get that point too! So TA DA! A 93! AH! Here are some pictures: (don't mind my awful hair... I woke up late.... =S)

.My Personal Ad.

So for my marriage and family relations class we were given the opportunity to get 5 extra credit points for the upcoming test if we would write two "personal ads." One stating things about ourself and the other stating what we were looking for in a companion.

I was just going to hand them in but I had a lot of fun with this assignment and was not quite sure if we would get our cards back so I've decided to write them on my blog as well!

So for all of you bachelors out there, and well.... anyone else out there.... here you are. 

::My Personal Ad::

About me:

When I was young I was your "typical girl," complete with unicorns and princesses. But as I have grown I have found things that distinguish me from the other 5"8, brunette, hazel eyed girls. I love anything vintage. I dream of going to Africa. I live for the arts and expression. I enjoy trying new foods... well, eating in general, really! I cheer for the Jazz, I boo for the Lakers. I indulge in intellectual conversation while I also indulge in conversations full of laughs, but not sarcasm. I don't believe in sarcasm... at all... now go make me a sandwich. :)

What I am looking for:

If I could pick any fictional character as a "significant other" I would choose Edward from "Twilight"... okay, thats a lie. I would actually choose the character Jim from the sitcom "The Office." Charming, witty, supportive, caring, understanding... and being cute is a plus! I am a sucker for the side parted hair, baby faces, cardigans, and oddly enough biceps. (I honestly really do not know why) He has to have goals, be passionate, and love learning. Being a family man is quite important to me... as well as the fact that he must love dogs and also the Jazz, of course!

Frustrated just a bit.

For some reason I got frustrated at a lot of things today. I've become good friends with some boys in my sociology class and we usually have lunch together afterwards. But I've been feeling really pressured lately about it. I don't think any particular person is pressuring me but myself, and it kills me some days. I'm so afraid of hurting people and of getting hurt. I like making friends. I like talking and getting to know new people. I like reaching my hand out for friendship, and for those of you who know me, its just not hard for me to do it. I enjoy it. But people misread it. Boys end up upset and mad at me, thinking that I'm just jumping from guy to guy, lying to them and using them. Girls end up thinking of me of as always wanting to compete with them or steal their crushes and backstabbing them. For as long as I can remember people have thought these things about me. But if you knew me, for any of you who truly know me know that is the last thing I want to do. So its frustrating when it happens. I have been fighting this for years on end and the only option I can think of doing is to change who I am for everyone else to be happy. I honestly do try to be a good person and people misuse it or misread it, get upset with me, and then I always feel so bad and it kills me inside. Next thing you know there is this "I hate Jen" club in Utah where I feel like people are passing out emotional fliers, changing the way other people see me. 

Its like one of those high school nightmares where you enter the school and everyone is whispering about you when you walk by. Or if someone tries to approach you, someone will stop them and they get this disgusting look on their face and walk away. I promise to each and every one of you who reads this, I honestly, with all of my heart, try to do whats right and be a genuinely good person. Try to be open and fun. Try to be a good friend and will never purposefully do anything to hurt you. 

Dear *fill in the blank here*

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, life's been a little crazy.... well, actually it hasn't. I haven't had much to write about. So I haven't blogged. Ha ha ha ha.

First off, I want to say how proud of myself I am. I have only missed one day of class (I was really sick) and I have turned in all of my assignments on time. I know for a lot of my family this is probably hard to understand because my family is fricken smart. And determined. And did I mention smart? They all make it seem so easy, like studying is natural for them and don't have to fight with themselves to get things done. Education is really important in my family and everyone takes it pretty seriously... until me. I struggle with it SO much. But I'm really trying to buckle down and get it done. I truly had to do everything within myself to sit down and write my anthropology paper tonight, but I did it. I did it.

I know it might sound like school is all I ever talk about but I've taken a turn in my life and its a big deal for me... actually going to school and trying to get a degree, trying to do well. 

Dear ASL: You better KNOW that I love you so much that I am willing to do all of this for you.

Dear Connie: You better KNOW that I am going to be interpreter and you're going to be wrong.

Dear Spencer: You better KNOW that I am going to do this.

Dear Heavenly Father and Christ: Thank you.

Texas Roadhouse Fail. A1 Sauce Win.

So I had two hours between work and school today... well, first let me paint the picture for you. On Thursdays my schedule is as such:

Class 10 - 11:30

Work 12- 3:30

Class 5:30 - 9

Death, right? 

Anyway, so I had a while between work and class, I purposefully did that so I could have extra time to work on any homework that may be needed for my long Thursday class or my Friday quizzes. So I was trying to think of where I wanted to go to study. I've come to realize some things about my studying habits. If I go home I'll just sleep or find something else to do, if I stay at school I'll be too tempted to constantly be looking for people I know or, lets face it, cute boys, so that was a no. And I was also hungry and as fun as a community college's food court is, after eating there everyday you get sick of the slim variety of options. So I thought, 'Hey! I'll go to a restaurant... TEXAS ROADHOUSE.' I don't know why but recently I've really been craving their rolls, steaks, and A1 sauce. Plus, its a cool environment, close to school, there is a super cute waiter there and since I just got paid I could get their lunch special and it would be cheaper! Check, check, and check! I was totally stoked. Their hours are always weird but I've gone there at 2 30 before and it was open even though the door said they opened at 4, so I thought it would be open. Yeah. It wasn't. And I was mad. I still am mad. I wanted my darn rolls, steak, and A1 sauce at a special $7.99 lunch time price! 

Anyway, so I had to reconsider my plan. I decided to go to Applebee's because I was pretty sure I could at least find A1 sauce there, while having some space to study. So I go in and ask if it would be okay if I stayed there for an hour or two to eat and do my homework. The little high school hostess looked at me like I was crazy, gave me the stank eye, and then was like "Like let me ask my manager, I dunno know if we can let'em...well, let people stay that long time period." (No joke, she actually said that) So the manager was like "Sure! We'll just get you a table off to the side." I ate my steak and A1 sauce, with veggies, and then braced myself for the studying. 

I've realized that when I'm away from home but not in a super quiet place but a place that has life and a social "vibe" to it, its easier for me to focus. I know it kind of seems like a contradiction, but it helps me a lot. Maybe because it makes me feel good about myself because I think other people see me and think "Oh, what a good student." Or "Wow, she's driven. She's what college is all about." Ha ha, I don't know, but it works. =P So I ended up reading and hand writing FIVE PAGES worth of notes about ONE CHAPTER for TWO HOURS, all for a freaking TEN POINT QUIZ tomorrow. I got 7 out of 10 last time because I didn't write down exactly what the book said, I put it into my own words. SO this time I was determined to take all the notes and if I don't get those 10 lousy points I'm going to shoot myself in the foot while screaming fluffy puppies and squirting papaya juice all over my professors new white shirt. I'll keep you updated on that. But as for my 3 hour class tonight, I got a 100 % on my quiz and got full participation points. ^_^ I'm determined to make this semester my first ever successful college semester. You watch me, just watch me.

TAKE THAT CONNIE! 

The end.

Finally.

Lets start this off with a common subject of mine: Young men. I've met a bunch of great guys lately. Like genuinely good guys. I am so grateful for them, they have helped me realize so much about myself and my desires and steps towards relationships. I'm not going to lie, there were a few weeks where I really had completely given up on relationships, a feeling I had never felt before in my entire life. No interest in dating, no interest in getting to know people, no interest to be even remotely close to the opposite sex. But the Lord has blessed me with men who are amazing and have shown me that not all boys are douche bags that are going to leave. I've realized how there are decent guys out there that will care of me whether its in a romantic way or friendship way and that have showed me that I do matter, something that I had forgotten. 

Many days the thoughts of insignificance haunted my mind. Thoughts consisting of thats like if I were better James would've stayed. If I hadn't had said this, if I hadn't have done that, James deserved someone better than some low life trash that I am. Although James made me feel great and loved when we were together, he completely betrayed me and my trust. Everything he had ever said went out the window.
I think the moment that changed everything was one day when we were at his cousins house just sitting outside doing homework and he asked me if I was having fun and I was honest and said "no." Its not because of him, it was because I wasn't used to being in a situation where everyone wasn't together talking during a family get together. For those of you who know my family, dinner is extremely important and so is socializing, enjoying our time of being together. It was weird to me that he was secluded and even when he was finished with his homework he didn't enjoy the group setting. He also didn't spend much time with the kids which also surprised me. As fun as it was being around people I don't know, pretty much ignoring them and watching James trying to figure out homework that didn't make any sense to me, I just was ignorant and replied "no." Some days I wish I would've lied. I think to myself that I would do anything to take that back because EVERYTHING changed at that point. And honestly, most of the time if I could have the opportunity to take it back, it might have changed everything. 

But now, I don't even know who he is anymore, but I'm happy where I am.  I don't need a man like that in my life. Maybe this will sound wrong but I really hope one day he can realize how much he hurt me and can taste the bitter excruciating pain that I have had to deal with for the past 7 months. I hope he realizes the great thing he gave up. He lost not only me, but a great relationship in general. He allowed his brain and logic to take over his heart and spirit. Although I lost the love of my life, the man I was willing and ready to spend time and all eternity with, who left me, I'm finally healing. Oh happy day.

Es-Sea-Aych-Oh-Oh-El.

This first week or so of school has been interesting. Its been a good, fun experience so far because I'm meeting new people. As much as I love ASL the Interpreting Program is very limited in the sense that you have the same people for the entire two years. (Or in my case 3 bajillion years, is this program never going to end!?) So its refreshing to have classes that are new and exciting. I've met some new people who I can tell we'll be school friends. You know, there are those different kinds of friends like your fun friends, you friends you need to go to when you need to talk, your church friends, your school friends, your all of the above friends. I think I've found some good school friends and maybe even a few hang out friends! I'm really proud of myself for the progression I've had recently. I'm become a lot more stable in who I am and what I want in life. Granted, I still have my moments, but for the most part I am doing so much better.
I think a big confidence booster for me is that I've gotten the opportunity to interpret a lot recently, outside of the program, just for fun with my Deaf friends. They are so accepting and helpful to me. They really make me feel good about myself. I think they see the desire and work ethic I have, which is ignored by people in the program. Like the Head of the Interpreting Program actually had the audacity to tell me "You know Jen, its okay to drop out." or "Are you sure you want to be an interpreter?"If they knew anything about me they would see differently. It can be so frustrating sometimes but I will get through it and I will do it! Speaking of ASL, I'm the Public Relations for the ASL club, so I made a poster and flyers for club rush week. Everyone loved them. Here's a picture of my poster:

Thank goodness for Cricut, right!?!

Regrets...

If there are any moments I regret in life and would change it if I had any power to do so, they would be moments with my brother.

There are a few instances that I would do anything to take back. 

I wish I was a better person and example to him. I can't help but think how much better his life would be had I not had done the things I have. How better off he would be or how happier he would be. And although he says he forgives me many a times for a few of them I still can't help but think those things. I wish... Oh, how I wish I was better.

I am such an awful person.

I really hate myself sometimes.

.Grateful.

I have gotten out of the habit of writing...

Although at times writing seems to be a good outlet, at other moments it just makes me more upset. I don't know why... maybe its because I sit there and dwell on what I write, or I get so sick of explaining myself time and time again. So I apologize for not writing, but I'm back.

For the past few months I've been so upset and confused about recent happenings in my life that I failed to see the ways I have grown. Although life has been hard lately, I've also had a lot of good things.

1) ASL - I have really gained love for my 2nd language of ASL, and have immersed myself in the culture and community. I have grown to love everything about ASL and notice myself communicating and embracing many of the traits of the Deaf world. Because I've gained so many friends I want to spend so much more time with them, I want to sign outside of school and I feel like my skills have sky rocketed. I have had many opportunities to interpret and it has gotten a little bit easier for me and helped me get somewhat comforted. I am so grateful to found an amazing passion and I WILL be an interpreter, no matter how long it takes me or what anyone says.

2) Spencer Blake - My sociology professor. I've found another love! Sociology... and my professor! Ha ha ha! Spencer has done so many things in his life and has affected people from all over the country. That class has honestly changed my life. I got to learn about society and what makes it and effects the people within the society, which is something I love, especially because of all my therapy that I've gone through. Its nice to know why people do the things they do. It made me realize my desire that I have of learning. Spencer told me that I am a great student and I don't give myself enough credit, I have just developed bad school habits. I never realized that its my habits that have made school difficult for me, I always just thought that something was wrong with me. I also never had the desire to go to college, maybe its because I thought I wasn't good enough, but now I really want to complete my education. I was about to give up on my interpreting because I was feeling so discouraged and like a complete failure. But he knocked some sense into me. I love ASL, so a few classes should never stop me from my dream. Its been so nice to have a professor who really believes in me. I'm doing a form of mentorship with him this semester and can't wait to learn more from him. I feel like him and I are a lot alike, I look up to him so much. He is what every professor should be. 

3) My student ward - I have met so many great people who are positive and supportive, who are always there for me. They never make me feel bad for my past, present, or future. They make me laugh, they listen, and they honestly watch out for me. I never feel alone when I'm with them. I always feel loved and accepted. Plus they like board games and always pick out awesome movies!

4) New friends - I have met some new people near and far who have helped me through my struggles and have made me rekindle the love of life, whether the person is from work, school, or the "game of life." I have not felt the way I do right now in a long time. There are days where my depression gets the better of me, but ultimately I am so much happier. I have truly witnessed the love of my Savior through putting the right people in my life that I need to help me along my recent difficult times. I honestly believe he has hand picked the people who are coming across my path, both bad to help me see, more importantly, the good. 

And finally...

5) My Savior - I have already mentioned him, but you can never can say enough about Christ. The Savior has really shown me his love through friends and family. I have felt like his hand has guided recent happenings in my life. I was really upset and hurt because I didn't feel like Heavenly Father was looking out for me. I couldn't understand why James had left, my schooling wasn't going well, and why he had forgotten me. Church was hard, all I could think about during sacrament was how I didn't feel like anything that was being said about the love of Christ applied to me, many tears in sacrament. So many tears. But I tried my best to continue to be patient, constantly seeking for an answer and help, I may have failed at times but I still tried. And then I met a few people who have really helped my testimony grow, helped me feel my Saviors love but most importantly helped me see all of the things that are going right in my life and how much I am growing. I am so grateful for my Savior and the knowledge I have of the truth, the living prophet, and his love for all of us.

So grateful.