Frustrated just a bit.

For some reason I got frustrated at a lot of things today. I've become good friends with some boys in my sociology class and we usually have lunch together afterwards. But I've been feeling really pressured lately about it. I don't think any particular person is pressuring me but myself, and it kills me some days. I'm so afraid of hurting people and of getting hurt. I like making friends. I like talking and getting to know new people. I like reaching my hand out for friendship, and for those of you who know me, its just not hard for me to do it. I enjoy it. But people misread it. Boys end up upset and mad at me, thinking that I'm just jumping from guy to guy, lying to them and using them. Girls end up thinking of me of as always wanting to compete with them or steal their crushes and backstabbing them. For as long as I can remember people have thought these things about me. But if you knew me, for any of you who truly know me know that is the last thing I want to do. So its frustrating when it happens. I have been fighting this for years on end and the only option I can think of doing is to change who I am for everyone else to be happy. I honestly do try to be a good person and people misuse it or misread it, get upset with me, and then I always feel so bad and it kills me inside. Next thing you know there is this "I hate Jen" club in Utah where I feel like people are passing out emotional fliers, changing the way other people see me. 

Its like one of those high school nightmares where you enter the school and everyone is whispering about you when you walk by. Or if someone tries to approach you, someone will stop them and they get this disgusting look on their face and walk away. I promise to each and every one of you who reads this, I honestly, with all of my heart, try to do whats right and be a genuinely good person. Try to be open and fun. Try to be a good friend and will never purposefully do anything to hurt you. 

Dear *fill in the blank here*

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, life's been a little crazy.... well, actually it hasn't. I haven't had much to write about. So I haven't blogged. Ha ha ha ha.

First off, I want to say how proud of myself I am. I have only missed one day of class (I was really sick) and I have turned in all of my assignments on time. I know for a lot of my family this is probably hard to understand because my family is fricken smart. And determined. And did I mention smart? They all make it seem so easy, like studying is natural for them and don't have to fight with themselves to get things done. Education is really important in my family and everyone takes it pretty seriously... until me. I struggle with it SO much. But I'm really trying to buckle down and get it done. I truly had to do everything within myself to sit down and write my anthropology paper tonight, but I did it. I did it.

I know it might sound like school is all I ever talk about but I've taken a turn in my life and its a big deal for me... actually going to school and trying to get a degree, trying to do well. 

Dear ASL: You better KNOW that I love you so much that I am willing to do all of this for you.

Dear Connie: You better KNOW that I am going to be interpreter and you're going to be wrong.

Dear Spencer: You better KNOW that I am going to do this.

Dear Heavenly Father and Christ: Thank you.

Texas Roadhouse Fail. A1 Sauce Win.

So I had two hours between work and school today... well, first let me paint the picture for you. On Thursdays my schedule is as such:

Class 10 - 11:30

Work 12- 3:30

Class 5:30 - 9

Death, right? 

Anyway, so I had a while between work and class, I purposefully did that so I could have extra time to work on any homework that may be needed for my long Thursday class or my Friday quizzes. So I was trying to think of where I wanted to go to study. I've come to realize some things about my studying habits. If I go home I'll just sleep or find something else to do, if I stay at school I'll be too tempted to constantly be looking for people I know or, lets face it, cute boys, so that was a no. And I was also hungry and as fun as a community college's food court is, after eating there everyday you get sick of the slim variety of options. So I thought, 'Hey! I'll go to a restaurant... TEXAS ROADHOUSE.' I don't know why but recently I've really been craving their rolls, steaks, and A1 sauce. Plus, its a cool environment, close to school, there is a super cute waiter there and since I just got paid I could get their lunch special and it would be cheaper! Check, check, and check! I was totally stoked. Their hours are always weird but I've gone there at 2 30 before and it was open even though the door said they opened at 4, so I thought it would be open. Yeah. It wasn't. And I was mad. I still am mad. I wanted my darn rolls, steak, and A1 sauce at a special $7.99 lunch time price! 

Anyway, so I had to reconsider my plan. I decided to go to Applebee's because I was pretty sure I could at least find A1 sauce there, while having some space to study. So I go in and ask if it would be okay if I stayed there for an hour or two to eat and do my homework. The little high school hostess looked at me like I was crazy, gave me the stank eye, and then was like "Like let me ask my manager, I dunno know if we can let'em...well, let people stay that long time period." (No joke, she actually said that) So the manager was like "Sure! We'll just get you a table off to the side." I ate my steak and A1 sauce, with veggies, and then braced myself for the studying. 

I've realized that when I'm away from home but not in a super quiet place but a place that has life and a social "vibe" to it, its easier for me to focus. I know it kind of seems like a contradiction, but it helps me a lot. Maybe because it makes me feel good about myself because I think other people see me and think "Oh, what a good student." Or "Wow, she's driven. She's what college is all about." Ha ha, I don't know, but it works. =P So I ended up reading and hand writing FIVE PAGES worth of notes about ONE CHAPTER for TWO HOURS, all for a freaking TEN POINT QUIZ tomorrow. I got 7 out of 10 last time because I didn't write down exactly what the book said, I put it into my own words. SO this time I was determined to take all the notes and if I don't get those 10 lousy points I'm going to shoot myself in the foot while screaming fluffy puppies and squirting papaya juice all over my professors new white shirt. I'll keep you updated on that. But as for my 3 hour class tonight, I got a 100 % on my quiz and got full participation points. ^_^ I'm determined to make this semester my first ever successful college semester. You watch me, just watch me.

TAKE THAT CONNIE! 

The end.

Finally.

Lets start this off with a common subject of mine: Young men. I've met a bunch of great guys lately. Like genuinely good guys. I am so grateful for them, they have helped me realize so much about myself and my desires and steps towards relationships. I'm not going to lie, there were a few weeks where I really had completely given up on relationships, a feeling I had never felt before in my entire life. No interest in dating, no interest in getting to know people, no interest to be even remotely close to the opposite sex. But the Lord has blessed me with men who are amazing and have shown me that not all boys are douche bags that are going to leave. I've realized how there are decent guys out there that will care of me whether its in a romantic way or friendship way and that have showed me that I do matter, something that I had forgotten. 

Many days the thoughts of insignificance haunted my mind. Thoughts consisting of thats like if I were better James would've stayed. If I hadn't had said this, if I hadn't have done that, James deserved someone better than some low life trash that I am. Although James made me feel great and loved when we were together, he completely betrayed me and my trust. Everything he had ever said went out the window.
I think the moment that changed everything was one day when we were at his cousins house just sitting outside doing homework and he asked me if I was having fun and I was honest and said "no." Its not because of him, it was because I wasn't used to being in a situation where everyone wasn't together talking during a family get together. For those of you who know my family, dinner is extremely important and so is socializing, enjoying our time of being together. It was weird to me that he was secluded and even when he was finished with his homework he didn't enjoy the group setting. He also didn't spend much time with the kids which also surprised me. As fun as it was being around people I don't know, pretty much ignoring them and watching James trying to figure out homework that didn't make any sense to me, I just was ignorant and replied "no." Some days I wish I would've lied. I think to myself that I would do anything to take that back because EVERYTHING changed at that point. And honestly, most of the time if I could have the opportunity to take it back, it might have changed everything. 

But now, I don't even know who he is anymore, but I'm happy where I am.  I don't need a man like that in my life. Maybe this will sound wrong but I really hope one day he can realize how much he hurt me and can taste the bitter excruciating pain that I have had to deal with for the past 7 months. I hope he realizes the great thing he gave up. He lost not only me, but a great relationship in general. He allowed his brain and logic to take over his heart and spirit. Although I lost the love of my life, the man I was willing and ready to spend time and all eternity with, who left me, I'm finally healing. Oh happy day.

Es-Sea-Aych-Oh-Oh-El.

This first week or so of school has been interesting. Its been a good, fun experience so far because I'm meeting new people. As much as I love ASL the Interpreting Program is very limited in the sense that you have the same people for the entire two years. (Or in my case 3 bajillion years, is this program never going to end!?) So its refreshing to have classes that are new and exciting. I've met some new people who I can tell we'll be school friends. You know, there are those different kinds of friends like your fun friends, you friends you need to go to when you need to talk, your church friends, your school friends, your all of the above friends. I think I've found some good school friends and maybe even a few hang out friends! I'm really proud of myself for the progression I've had recently. I'm become a lot more stable in who I am and what I want in life. Granted, I still have my moments, but for the most part I am doing so much better.
I think a big confidence booster for me is that I've gotten the opportunity to interpret a lot recently, outside of the program, just for fun with my Deaf friends. They are so accepting and helpful to me. They really make me feel good about myself. I think they see the desire and work ethic I have, which is ignored by people in the program. Like the Head of the Interpreting Program actually had the audacity to tell me "You know Jen, its okay to drop out." or "Are you sure you want to be an interpreter?"If they knew anything about me they would see differently. It can be so frustrating sometimes but I will get through it and I will do it! Speaking of ASL, I'm the Public Relations for the ASL club, so I made a poster and flyers for club rush week. Everyone loved them. Here's a picture of my poster:

Thank goodness for Cricut, right!?!

Regrets...

If there are any moments I regret in life and would change it if I had any power to do so, they would be moments with my brother.

There are a few instances that I would do anything to take back. 

I wish I was a better person and example to him. I can't help but think how much better his life would be had I not had done the things I have. How better off he would be or how happier he would be. And although he says he forgives me many a times for a few of them I still can't help but think those things. I wish... Oh, how I wish I was better.

I am such an awful person.

I really hate myself sometimes.

.Grateful.

I have gotten out of the habit of writing...

Although at times writing seems to be a good outlet, at other moments it just makes me more upset. I don't know why... maybe its because I sit there and dwell on what I write, or I get so sick of explaining myself time and time again. So I apologize for not writing, but I'm back.

For the past few months I've been so upset and confused about recent happenings in my life that I failed to see the ways I have grown. Although life has been hard lately, I've also had a lot of good things.

1) ASL - I have really gained love for my 2nd language of ASL, and have immersed myself in the culture and community. I have grown to love everything about ASL and notice myself communicating and embracing many of the traits of the Deaf world. Because I've gained so many friends I want to spend so much more time with them, I want to sign outside of school and I feel like my skills have sky rocketed. I have had many opportunities to interpret and it has gotten a little bit easier for me and helped me get somewhat comforted. I am so grateful to found an amazing passion and I WILL be an interpreter, no matter how long it takes me or what anyone says.

2) Spencer Blake - My sociology professor. I've found another love! Sociology... and my professor! Ha ha ha! Spencer has done so many things in his life and has affected people from all over the country. That class has honestly changed my life. I got to learn about society and what makes it and effects the people within the society, which is something I love, especially because of all my therapy that I've gone through. Its nice to know why people do the things they do. It made me realize my desire that I have of learning. Spencer told me that I am a great student and I don't give myself enough credit, I have just developed bad school habits. I never realized that its my habits that have made school difficult for me, I always just thought that something was wrong with me. I also never had the desire to go to college, maybe its because I thought I wasn't good enough, but now I really want to complete my education. I was about to give up on my interpreting because I was feeling so discouraged and like a complete failure. But he knocked some sense into me. I love ASL, so a few classes should never stop me from my dream. Its been so nice to have a professor who really believes in me. I'm doing a form of mentorship with him this semester and can't wait to learn more from him. I feel like him and I are a lot alike, I look up to him so much. He is what every professor should be. 

3) My student ward - I have met so many great people who are positive and supportive, who are always there for me. They never make me feel bad for my past, present, or future. They make me laugh, they listen, and they honestly watch out for me. I never feel alone when I'm with them. I always feel loved and accepted. Plus they like board games and always pick out awesome movies!

4) New friends - I have met some new people near and far who have helped me through my struggles and have made me rekindle the love of life, whether the person is from work, school, or the "game of life." I have not felt the way I do right now in a long time. There are days where my depression gets the better of me, but ultimately I am so much happier. I have truly witnessed the love of my Savior through putting the right people in my life that I need to help me along my recent difficult times. I honestly believe he has hand picked the people who are coming across my path, both bad to help me see, more importantly, the good. 

And finally...

5) My Savior - I have already mentioned him, but you can never can say enough about Christ. The Savior has really shown me his love through friends and family. I have felt like his hand has guided recent happenings in my life. I was really upset and hurt because I didn't feel like Heavenly Father was looking out for me. I couldn't understand why James had left, my schooling wasn't going well, and why he had forgotten me. Church was hard, all I could think about during sacrament was how I didn't feel like anything that was being said about the love of Christ applied to me, many tears in sacrament. So many tears. But I tried my best to continue to be patient, constantly seeking for an answer and help, I may have failed at times but I still tried. And then I met a few people who have really helped my testimony grow, helped me feel my Saviors love but most importantly helped me see all of the things that are going right in my life and how much I am growing. I am so grateful for my Savior and the knowledge I have of the truth, the living prophet, and his love for all of us.

So grateful. 

WOOOOOW

So I apologize for allowing so much time to go past before posting again. I think I needed a break for a while, as cleansing as writing is, I feel like it can also make me contemplate and think about things WAY too much which won't always help me move on in life. But I feel like I'm comin back.

I also think it would be a lot easier to blog if I had a camera again, but my little point and shoot broke and I don't like carrying around my huge camera so I haven't been able to take my usual amount of pictures.

Anyway, school's started. Work is work. And I'm in a new show called "Y Light." (its a spoof of Twilight with a little of the U and the Y thrown into the mix) I have so much to be thankful for. The last few weeks have been quite difficult. When school started I was terrified to walk around campus in fear of bumping in to the "dreaded ex" Bum bum BUM!  And it happened. First day of school. It happened. And then a few things went down here and there with the hurt continuing, it was almost like it wouldn't let me rest. I was also afraid to run into old friends. I realized a lot of it was that I was ashamed of myself if I thought I would see them. Like I am the scum of the earth and don't deserve to look them in the eye or to be in their presence, and that has changed a lot. School has been hard with out my ASL girls.... and Collin. (Ha ha!) It was really heart breaking at first. I was embarrassed and again, ashamed. And although its been hard I'm feeling a lot better about it.

Firstly, I am so grateful to be in Ylight. I have made so many good friends who are supportive and who love me. There is something about theatre that completes me. Although it causes stress because it does take time out of your schedule and what not, I think it helps me more than hinders me. All growing up I was ALWAYS in a show. The only time I wasn't was during the summer. So I have been accustomed to always being in school and in a show. Spring semester I wasn't in a show and it almost killed me. Rehearsals is such a steam releaser for me. Especially at the Off Broadway Theatre. Everyone there is so caring and understanding and the mood is always "have fun" while getting things done. I have met some pretty amazing people there who have taught me a lot.

This cast is all pretty much around my age. It has provided me with peers to relate to and have fun with. We really all get a long SO well, the chemistry is astounding. I have met some life long friends there, I can already tell. They make me feel so important and help me grow as a person. I want to have pictures to show you, so I'll get that ASAP. But I feel so much love for them and I know that Heavenly Father wanted me in this show to have another great, positive experience in my life. It really has been a key element in helping me become strong within myself again and to see that I can trust in people.

Another thing I love is my sociology class. My professor is so intriguing and its awesome to love a class besides ASL. I connect so much with his way of teaching and I wish more people taught like him. He is so passionate and clear but still teaches me new things everyday. But the thing I love the most is he really makes me feel like these are things I'm learning that I can really apply to help pass the class. They are not just "facts" to memorize and if I don't memorize them then I will fail the class. I feel like he really believes in me, even though we don't talk on a one on one basis very often. Ha, I don't know how to describe it. Moving on...

Institute. My teacher Bro. Forsyth is amazing. Hearing the gospel. Awesome. That pretty much sums it up.... Yup.

And finally as much as working sucks, its nice too because I feel like I am working towards something. Like I am finally starting to walk on my own. Its scary as hell. I feel like I'm a toddler again and my parents are starting to let go of my hands... so scary, but everyone has to do it and I'm finally starting...

And finally, I've been contemplating going to Africa. I really feel like I need to go. I'm not sure how this is all going to work out but I really REALLY have a passion and desire to go and help those kids.... I'll keep you updated.

Much love.

Jen

Look At Me, I'm Sandra D.

So I haven't had much of a desire to write lately because I literally am so exhausted from all the emotions running inside of me that I haven't had the will or energy to blog. But I have had a few experiences/feelings I would like to talk about. I'm going to be quite blunt in some of this, so hopefully I don't hurt anyone or make anyone uncomfortable. If you wish to keep reading, by all means, please do so. If not, I will not respect you less.

First:

I have always had a desire to have girlfriends. But now I realize that some pain can occasionally come from girls. They can be catty, deceiving, two faced, and just plain mean. I always think that I screw everything up with my girlfriends. They always get mad at me. They always leave. Then they gossip and tell everyone the "negative impact" I've had on their life. 

But lets face it. No matter how old or who you are, if you are a woman, you naturally feel the need to be good enough and feel like you have to compete whether you want to or not. Whether its to be as in shape and as gorgeous as the touched up pictures of the girls in the front of the magazine. To be the overachieving super mom. To be the loving wife or girlfriend. My institute teacher told me that woman always feel like there is competition, even if there is no intentions of competition. And I agree, society has made us feel like we need to be better than we are.

Now, this being said, I believe that many girls, or boys for that matter, don't see me for who I really am. I am a very affectionate person. I enjoy spending time with people. I love physical contact. And I've always gotten that "I'm the biggest flirt." At times this hurts my feelings. Yes, there are sometimes I purposely flirt with a boy. But I never PURPOSELY flirt with my girlfriend's crushes, boyfriends, or anyone of importance to them. I hate hurting people and I never mean to and even when I wish I could hurt them, I still don't. Usually when I hear about current feelings a friend may have I PURPOSELY try to stay away with a 10 foot pole because I know how things love to go wrong with me. I have lost many friends because they think that I am too outgoing, too flirtatious, too loving, whatever. And for a long time its been bothering me. Because its like, do I change who I am? Without these things I think I would lose a lot of my sociable personality traits. And I would feel awkward all the time.

Lets face it, when you're in a group and you don't know the people, start off with a handshake, good eye contact, and a smile. Thats how I do it, whether it be girl or guy. Now whats more awkward then just sitting there while everyone is quiet. Why not start a conversation? Everyone loves a compliment, for someone to show interest in what they are talking about, to make eye contact to show you're focused and really listening to what they say and if you keep your body language open it can really help the conversation not get stale or awkward. I use these rules generally wherever I go, whomever I am talking with. Now, this changes when I am with someone I don't like or have a bad history with, but for the most part I try to keep myself open. I think a lot of people misread this in my case. Girls, in the sense that they think I'm always betraying them or looking for attention, and guys in the sense that they get jealous or think I am a "floosy".

My friend and I were talking about it and we came to the conclusion that people may also think this because I tend to give individual attention to every person, which may come off as confusing, fickle, and too flirtatious. And I couldn't understand why until we talked about why it might be. Now I see some of the reason why people may think those things about me. But I love the way I communicate with people and I generally just love being around people. I think all of these qualities that I listed before are important in getting to know people both friendship wise and relationship wise. 

This is a common problem when I first start dating someone. They will hear rumors about me or they will get jealous. And I ALWAYS have to have "the talk" with them, telling them I will always be honest with them and will always put them first. After this talk my relationships become much more trusting and much stronger. I also usually see a difference in affection and caring. The significant other notices the differences I have between socializing and the special care that I have for them.

Now, ultimately I cannot change anyone else or their opinions but I can control myself. I think my communication approach is a strong one and one that fits my personality well. I respect my friends and will always listen to any problems and reflect on advice they may have. I may have a hard time finding girl friends that understand this, but when I do find them I find that they are the best ones to have.

This is the time where I give some shout-outs to some friends:

First, to Erica. She has been such a great friend to me and I love how she understands me. We mesh really well together and I never fail to have a good time with her. She is everything I could ask for in a friend. She keeps my mind open with possibilities and really helps me understand things that I may have been reluctant to bring to my attention. She has so many great traits I wish to learn and am SO grateful for her friendship. Plus, its awesome when you have someone you can sign with.

Next is Kim, who has been my friend for a few years now. We have had our rocky moments (okay, well just one) but we talked it through and have always been super open with each other. We don't see each other much besides on Sundays but I feel like I have someone to confide in in her. We always can pick up where we left off and I can tell we have a friendship that will last a while. I love her and am very blessed to have her in my life, as one of my first understanding girlfriends to ever had.

Of course there is Tay, who has never failed to stand by me and help me in times of need. Although I have made some really dumb decisions he's always there to pick me up, dust me off, and talk to me. He never seems to stop believing in me... He also has great taste in tv series.

Andrew Thatcher and I have been friends since high school and he always knows what I need to hear. I usually go to him for spiritual advice or just knowledge that I want to learn. He is so good at knowing the things I need and being there for me. He's another one who doesn't give up on me. 

Finally, there are my ward boys. Who are, obviously, not girls. But none-the-less they are always so willing to put forth a hand of friendship without judgement. They watch out for me and always manage to cheer me up, even if its just watching a movie. I don't ever feel pressure from them and they have really helped me grow as a person.

And lastly:

I apologize for this being so fricken long. If you actually did read it all, I will make you some cookies.... probably won't taste very good. But I will make them. =)

Love you all!

Thinking of You

This song has changed my life in so many ways.

And I have related it to so many different occasions in my life.

I would probably choose it as my theme song if I could have one.

I honestly think this song has saved me many many times...

It must have been written for me.

Epic Fail

So, I apologize that I haven't written in a week. I went to the lake with some friends which was SO much fun and I faced a lot of fears and conquered them! But, I'm not going to focus on that because I don't have much time to write tonight and would rather write about something else, so maybe some day in the near future. (Complete with pictures!)

Anyway, This week has most definitely been a challenge for me. I feel like breaking down and not continuing anymore. Nothing is working out for me. I don't understand what the point is of going on if its just going to continue hurting and causing me pain. I have faithfully kept up my scripture study, prayers, and church attendance. I have put forth effort to make friends. I have found a new job. I'm going to school. I know a person can continue to find things to improve on to hope to make life better, but I'm so exhausted from trying and making no progress. 

I started my job yesterday and at first it was so interesting and fun! But today I started doing somethings with my mentor and I saw how quickly I was ruining everything. Pretty soon I couldn't keep up at all and the clients knew that something was wrong, which is pretty hard to come by since its just on the phone! I would get so lost I wouldn't even know where to start again. I really have a hard time thinking that I will ever get the hang of this, especially since I feel like I still have so much to learn in one day and then take a "possible elimination test" the next day and am out on my own the next. And what makes it worse is that my third day of training is tomorrow (Thurs.) and then I have a 3 day weekend to completely forget everything I learn, finally followed by my test on Monday.  To make things even better everything that I've learned through school is completely setting me at a DISadvantage instead of advantage. Like in interpreting we learn about "lag time" which is how much time you give between when the speaker begins and when you begin. Usually a good lag time is 6-9 seconds, to help you start to get a good idea of the concept and correct ASL grammar. In SIPRelay (where I'm at now) if you give ANY lag time you're screwed and you can't process anything they say. Its throwing me in such a loop.I'm totally dead. Completely dead. I feel so discouraged. I just can't keep up.

I try to continue trying to step forward, away from this rut of a life I have right now, but its like I'm putting forth all of my efforts, stuck in quicksand, just to not go anywhere and be more exhausted than before.

How is it that everything I love falls through my fingers and leaves. For the first time in my life I want to go to school and I want to do something. I love the Deaf, I love the culture, I love American Sign Language. But I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough to stay with my peers in school. I'm not skilled enough to continue. I have to retake classes because I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I want to do well at this job, and if it was based on desire and passion I'd been in the top 10 % I'm sure, but its not. I'm going to be lucky if I can keep it. And of course, the obvious, James left. If I had done something different he might still be here. I might be having the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with someone who I really love and who really loves me. But I wasn't good enough. And what breaks my heart even more is that he still doesn't want me. He's happier with out me.

I don't know what else Heavenly Father wants from me. I really don't know. I've tried getting blessings, I've tried hour long prayers, I've tried taking steps forward with faith and its not getting better. I wish I could run away from here... 

Someone please save me.

"Its So Fluffy I'm Going To Die!"

I've had another few days of just staring at my computer screen trying to put the words together of how I feel. And honestly the one world I can come up with: chaos. Its been a whirl wind of emotions, sad, happy, confused, upset, anger, hopelessness and hopefulness all at one time. Its like a tornado came into Jen-ville and tore the town apart. 

The foremost feeling that I have had has been anger towards myself.

I feel like I am constantly getting myself into these situations that I cannot win. I really try to do my best and I have good intentions but it always blows up in my face. I find myself stuck between a hard rock and a hard place all the time. I never mean to hurt anyone. I never mean for things to go wrong. But they do. I'm afraid of losing people. I get afraid of what may happen and what I could have done differently. I worry about it so much that I really run myself thin. I get exhausted from worrying. Thats where my OCD kicks in. Its like I'm obsessed with thinking about it, reliving it. And I can't figure out how to make it stop. Instead of just dropping it and moving forward in life, I sit there trapped within my own emotions. Why can't I be better? Why can't I make a person want to stay? Friend or lover. Boy or girl. Why do I always screw up?

Something else I've been thinking of a lot is trying to decide when I put my happiness first and when I do not. I think its something I need to learn. I need to learn my own boundaries to help me gain that true happiness. I need to decide how I am going to achieve the things I want and how to better myself. Don't get me wrong, I do love myself. I don't always love the things my brain thinks and I don't like how I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes. I don't like how I've become scared to show my true self and I most definitely don't love the way I look when I wake up in the morning! =P But I think I do have redeeming qualities as well. I love to make people laugh and my sarcasm. I like that I know that I can be honest. My mom always says "I would rather hear it from you than from someone else. So if you do something wrong, you need to tell me that way I can help you." And I think I apply that to my life in general. I never want a friend to hear gossip that I supposedly said. I am not afraid to address someone when I feel like there is a problem and I'm not afraid to say I'm sorry. I like that I have good intentions and never really mean to hurt someone. I may think about it when I'm really upset sometimes but I realize that it is irrational thinking just because I'm upset, so I cool down until I can speak with a clear mind. 

I am still missing James, but I am starting to see that things can be okay with out him. I got together with a friend and realized how I can really have fun and be myself with a boy around. I've been so ridiculously scared of boys recently. I'm afraid to be around them and I'm afraid of getting hurt. I have never felt this way in my life but I really am genuinely scared. And when I was with my friend, he really gave me a ray of hope that things might turn out okay. I think I genuinely smiled with a boy for the first time in a month. 

All in all, I'm still searching for answers. Still searching for ways to continue to better myself. I'm still looking for ways to clear the doubt. I'm still looking for peace....  

A Great Thing

Today I went to Marci's for a shirt decorating party. It was totally fun! We painted our shirts and then played music together and pretty much had a talent night. 

At the beginning I just couldn't decide what I wanted to draw on my shirt. I thought maybe a funny picture of a unicorn or an ostrage or a mermaid or something, but then inspiration came. BAM! (like on those toothpaste commercials) Why not make an Avatar shirt! I was totally stoked and scared at the same time because I didn't want to mess it up. Well, you be the judge. Let me know what you think!

Marci, Myself, Phillip, and Stu right after we jammed for a while.

That One Looked Like A Banana!

This week has been pretty crazy. And instead of doing individual posts I'm just going to combine them into one. 

1) I finally heard from my job. I'll be working at Sorenson Communications (which is a telephone service for the Deaf/Hard of Hearing) I knew I had the job before but I was really confused because they had sent me an email on the June 26th saying I needed to come to orientation and finish paper work on the 21st or 22nd. And then they said I would be starting on July 5th at 5:00, which they knew I couldn't do because of my night classes. I emailed them like 5 times and called them 3 times and never heard back until today. I guess they had some background check mix ups so now I have to wait until the next training period. Hopefully it won't take too long. But at least I know I got the job!

2) I went on my first few actual dates since the break up. I've never been so awkward in my life. (which, for those of you who know me, its REALLY hard for me to feel awkward) I could tell how my uncomfortableness was making my dates uncomfortable too. I realized how much better I was when my girl friends were there to support me. Maybe I'm not ready to get out there alone just quite yet but I'm trying and slowly easing in.

3) I went with Jordan and my friend Taylor to go see the premiere of "The Last Airbender." We're all really big fans of the show so it was nice to go with people who were just as enthused as I was. Ha ha. The movie was... okay. Not incredible, not super horrible either. I ended up writing a review and I'm quite proud of it. I might post it here on a later date. 

Tay, Jordan and myself

Me and Aang

4) I've been hanging out with Marci a lot lately and she has really supported me. Its nice to have a good girlfriend again. We've had some awesome adventures, and she's introduced me to some new fun people like Phillip, Kylee, and Shari. We went to fireworks on Saturday night (I was being a poo head and missing James) so during the fireworks I was really lame but afterwards we played frisbee, took pictures and then went to Dees. Which made for a really fun night! It was so funny, we were sitting next to this family and the kids (probably around 5 and 6) would sit there and yell out the funniest comments like: "WOAH! THAT ONE LOOKED LIKE A BANANA!" or "THAT ONE'S BIGGER THAN MY HEAD!" We were dying of laughter.

Myself, Marci, and Shari

Marci and me

5) Yesterday, Phillip invited to the Bee's game with some friends, which ended with AMAZING fireworks. All of this was 3 dollars mind you! We had so much fun laughing together. I also brought a date (Tyson) who was super fun to tease. It was so funny. The fireworks really were the best fireworks I've ever seen and I felt really accepted and loved with the group of people I was with. It was so nice to feel that again.

Kylee, Marci, and Me

Phil and Me

Shari and Me

Tyson and Me

3) I still miss James like crazy. I continually think to myself what I could've done differently to make him stay. I know he loves me and I can't grasp what would make him want to leave. I feel like he's making a mistake, but I can't make him change. All I can do is hope that he will change his mind. But at the same time, I don't want him anymore. He doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't listen to his heart. He is so logical in his thinking that it clouds his own feelings and desires. He doesn't want me? Well, he's going to regret his decision. I need someone better than James. I sit there and think "oh James was perfect, no one's going to be better than him." But in reality he's already failed in a sense that he suddenly decided to change his mind one day, treat me like crap and run away and disappear. I need someone who actually cares. Who doesn't just change from night to day. He can sit there and pretend everything's okay with him but in reality he's just denying everything he knew to be right. It will come and bite him in the butt one day.... Well, I really hope so that is.

How. Why.

I miss him.